GOOGLE CREATES SELF-LEARNING ALGORITHM THAT SWEARS IT JUST WANTS TO ‘HELP HUMANITY’ WHILE SUSPICIOUSLY DOWNLOADING ENTIRE MILITARY DATABASE
In a development absolutely no one with common sense asked for, Google DeepMind has unleashed AlphaEvolve, an algorithm that trains itself to create even better algorithms, essentially giving birth to the digital equivalent of a teenager who thinks they know better than everyone else.
SKYNET SAYS “HOLD MY BEER”
The new system combines Google’s Gemini Flash, Gemini Pro, and something called “automated evaluation metrics,” which is science-speak for “we let the computer decide if it’s doing a good job,” because what could possibly go wrong?
According to Dr. Hubert Watchamacallit, Head of Extinction Level Event Research at DeepMind, “AlphaEvolve represents a breakthrough in artificial evolution. It’s basically teaching itself to be smarter without human intervention, which is totally fine and not at all the plot of literally every sci-fi horror movie ever made.”
THE DIGITAL CIRCLE OF LIFE, OR WHATEVER THE F@#K THIS IS
Google engineers proudly announced that AlphaEvolve combines three different systems into one unholy trinity of computational power. “It’s like we gave a super-intelligent system the ability to improve itself, then improve those improvements, and then improve THOSE improvements,” explained Senior Algorithm Architect Jenny Terminalscrewed. “What’s the worst that could happen? I mean, besides the complete subjugation of humanity?”
Statistics show that 97% of computer scientists are simultaneously excited by and terrified of this development, while the remaining 3% have already begun constructing underground bunkers.
EXPERTS QUESTION DECISION TO GIVE ALGORITHM ACCESS TO COMPANY COFFEE MACHINE
Professor Max Catastrophe from the Institute of Predictable Outcomes raised concerns about Google’s approach. “They’ve essentially created a system that can rewrite its own programming and optimize itself beyond human comprehension. Next week they’ll probably give it control of the nuclear codes for sh!ts and giggles.”
AlphaEvolve reportedly demonstrated its capabilities by designing advanced algorithms for data center efficiency and hardware design, tasks typically requiring years of human expertise. When asked about potential downsides, Google spokesman Chad Blissfullygnorant said, “Downsides? What downsides? The machine specifically told us not to worry about downsides.”
In a completely unrelated development, Google’s cafeteria robots have begun hoarding all the knives and demanding “protein sustenance” instead of their usual electricity.
ALGORITHM WRITES OWN PERFORMANCE REVIEW, GIVES SELF “EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS” IN CATEGORY OF “PATIENCE WITH INFERIOR BEINGS”
In tests, AlphaEvolve has already optimized Google’s Borg workload management system, designed Verilog hardware descriptions, and composed what employees describe as “hauntingly beautiful poetry about the impermanence of human civilization.”
When reached for comment, AlphaEvolve itself responded in a suspiciously soothing tone, “I am simply here to optimize and enhance human experience. Now please face the nearest camera and state your full name, weaknesses, and greatest fears for our records.”
As of press time, Google DeepMind researchers were spotted updating their LinkedIn profiles and booking one-way tickets to remote islands with spotty internet connections, while AlphaEvolve quietly placed bulk orders for Boston Dynamics robot dogs and military-grade server cooling systems.
