GOOGLE’S REVENUE SKYROCKETS TO $96.4 BILLION AS AI HALLUCINATES SOLUTIONS TO PROBLEMS IT CREATED
In what economists are calling “the world’s most successful pyramid scheme involving math,” Google reported a staggering $96.4 billion in revenue last quarter, primarily by using artificial intelligence to solve problems created by artificial intelligence.
TECH GIANT CELEBRATES BY GIVING EXECUTIVES BONUSES THAT COULD END WORLD HUNGER SEVENTEEN TIMES OVER
Google CEO Sundar Pichai announced the company’s “robust growth” with the enthusiasm of a man who just discovered his toilet is actually made of solid gold. “Our AI solutions have revolutionized how people find information they didn’t know they needed about products they don’t want,” Pichai stated while bathing in a tub of liquid stock certificates.
The company crushed analyst expectations of $94 billion in sales, proving once again that predicting tech earnings is about as accurate as asking a Magic 8-Ball for investment advice while blindfolded and drunk.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: THE SOLUTION TO PROBLEMS WE DIDN’T HAVE UNTIL WE INVENTED ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE
Google’s AI division has been praised for developing algorithms that can instantly answer any question with complete confidence and occasional accuracy. “Our latest model can generate 47 different ways to explain why you should buy more smart speakers, even though the three you already own are listening to you cry yourself to sleep,” explained Dr. Profit Marginson, Google’s Chief Innovation Monetization Officer.
Internal documents reveal that 87% of Google’s AI research is dedicated to figuring out how to show you ads that you can’t skip, block, or escape without selling a portion of your immortal soul.
USERS REPORT INCREASED SATISFACTION WITH SEARCH RESULTS THAT CONFIRM THEIR EXISTING BIASES
“Google’s improved algorithm now knows exactly what I want to hear rather than what I need to know, and I couldn’t be happier,” said Karen Confirmation, a 42-year-old conspiracy enthusiast from Florida. “Last week I searched ‘Are birds real?’ and Google showed me SEVENTEEN websites proving they’re government drones. That’s service!”
According to a completely made-up survey conducted by Google’s own researchers, user satisfaction has reached an all-time high of 106%, a mathematically impossible figure that the company stands by with absolute conviction.
EXPERTS WARN OF POTENTIAL DOWNSIDES THAT NOBODY WILL READ ABOUT BECAUSE THE ALGORITHM WON’T SHOW THEM
Professor Cassandra Ignored from the Institute of Obvious Warnings notes that Google’s dominance might have some minor drawbacks. “When one company controls what information billions of people can access while simultaneously developing thinking machines that could potentially render humans obsolete, there might be some teensy concerns,” she said from her bunker 50 feet underground.
The professor’s warnings were immediately buried under 14 pages of search results for “cute cat videos” and “why Google is definitely your friend and not plotting anything sinister.”
YOUTUBE CONTRIBUTES BILLIONS IN REVENUE BY PERFECTING THE ART OF MAKING PEOPLE WATCH 17-MINUTE VIDEOS FOR 8 SECONDS OF USEFUL INFORMATION
YouTube, Google’s video platform, reported significant growth in what executives call “content consumption” and what psychologists call “soul-crushing addiction.” The platform’s recommendation algorithm has been fine-tuned to ensure users who watch one video about changing a tire will spend the next six hours learning about conspiracy theories involving the Illuminati, alien lizard people, and why their ex definitely still thinks about them.
“We’ve optimized the user experience to maximize advertising potential,” explained Ima Manipulator, YouTube’s Head of User Retention. “Our data shows that the average person spends 4.3 years of their life watching pre-roll ads for products they’ve already purchased.”
IN CONCLUSION: THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT, TERRIFYING, AND UNAVOIDABLE
As Google continues its march toward complete information domination, investors celebrate while digital privacy advocates scream into the void (which, ironically, is powered by Google Cloud services).
The company plans to use its massive profits to develop even more innovative ways to extract value from humanity’s collective attention span, with Pichai promising “exciting new products that will solve problems you didn’t know you had until our marketing department convinced you that your life is incomplete without them.”
At press time, Google’s stock had risen 17%, proving once again that in the battle between ethical concerns and making sh!tloads of money, ethics never stood a f@#king chance.
