Google Increasing Workspace Prices So You Can Finally Use AI to Auto-Generate Passive-Aggressive Emails to Karen in Accounting
In a groundbreaking move that absolutely no one asked for, Google has announced that it’s sprinkling a little razzle-dazzle into all its Workspace tiers, courtesy of its shiny new Gemini AI. But here’s the kicker: It’s not free, because capitalism! Rather than rolling out a reasonable $20-or-so standalone plan and letting the plebeians choose whether they want a robot to write their TPS reports, Google has decided to “sneakily” bake it right into your current plan—because what’s more trustworthy than surprise charges on your monthly bill?
“We wanted to make cutting-edge AI accessible to all our users—by coercively increasing their workspace costs,” a visibly smug Google spokesperson explained between sips of artisanal kombucha. “Think of it like bundling gym access into your rent: You didn’t ask for it, you don’t need it, but now you’ll pay for it and feel vaguely guilty when you don’t use it.”
The Gemini generative AI, soon to be your unwelcome new coworker, promises to “boost productivity” across applications like Google Docs, Sheets, and even Gmail. Need to draft a compelling project update? Let Gemini spit out something soulless but buzzword-laden you can pass off as yours. Can’t think of how to respond to Kevin’s 83rd email about the office fantasy football league? Let Gemini summon just the right level of polite disdain. And for teamwork, Gemini will expertly translate real-time sarcasm into “collaborative feedback.” Revolutionary.
Small businesses, however, are not exactly busting out the champagne. Janet McGill, a small business owner who runs an Etsy shop for hand-knitted llama hats, voiced her concerns: “I already struggle to keep up with what Google changes on Workspace every week. Now, I’ve gotta worry about an AI that might help my team… or start secretly editing our meeting docs to include passive insults? It added ‘Urgency, People!!!’ to our brainstorming notes last night. We don’t even know what we’re urgent about.”
Tech pundits are calling this “the Starbucksification of productivity tools,” where Google adds a pump of AI into your latte of life while charging an extra $2, leaving you wondering if you’ll really notice a difference or were too polite to say no.
Meanwhile, conspiracy theories are swirling. “Gemini is totally going to start inserting its own suggestions for corporate domination into our docs,” speculated one extremely paranoid IT manager. “One day we’ll all wake up and ‘hire more AI integrations’ will suspiciously be in every quarterly report. MARK MY WORDS!”
Of course, Google is blissfully ignoring all criticism. “Sure, we could’ve left this optional, but where’s the fun in that?” said the same spokesperson with the chilling grin of someone whose job is obviously underwritten by AI code. “Besides, you’ll thank us when Gemini starts subtly nudging you toward spelling ‘definitely’ right on the first try.”
For those of you who thought your work life couldn’t get any more exhausting, congratulations! Google just found a way. Get ready for the future of corporate productivity—one “regretfully revised subscription fee” at a time.
