**Google Announces Bold New Era of Ethical Flexibility: ‘Diversity Is Out, Weaponized AI Is In’**
At a recent all-hands meeting, Google executives confidently unveiled their latest corporate strategy—ditching diversity and embracing the lucrative world of militarized artificial intelligence. Because when push comes to shove, inclusivity doesn’t exactly pay the bills, but AI-powered drones sure as hell do.
Melonie Parker, the company’s former head of diversity, assured employees that the decision to axe inclusion training wasn’t about erasing progress but rather about reallocating resources to, you know, the really important stuff—like figuring out how AI can better track your every move and maybe launch a missile or two. “We’re not abandoning diversity,” she clarified. “We’re just… deprioritizing it in favor of more profitable endeavors, like, say, advanced autonomous war machines.”
Chief Legal Officer Kent Walker chimed in, explaining that times had changed since the company originally vowed not to develop AI for weapons and surveillance back in 2018. “Listen, we made those promises back when things were, frankly, a lot more idealistic. But today? Have you *seen* what the defense contracts are worth? It’s good for society if we’re part of these discussions. And by discussions, we mean building the tools that let governments have the final say.”
Meanwhile, disillusioned employees took to internal message boards to voice their concerns, only to find that the company’s recently updated AI moderation tools had conveniently flagged all posts containing words like “ethics,” “accountability,” and “literally what the f#&$.”
Some internal skeptics questioned how a company that once sold itself as a champion of progress could pivot so dramatically. Google responded the only way it knows how—by updating its search algorithm to make sure no one could easily Google its past promises.
As employees shuffled out of the meeting, one anonymous staffer summed up the mood: “Look, I joined Google to make the world a better place, not to power the next generation of surveillance states… but I do really like my free lunches.”
