STUDY BUDDY OR DIGITAL STALKER? GOOGLE’S NOTEBOOKLM APP KNOWS WHAT YOU’RE THINKING BEFORE YOU DO
In a move that has privacy advocates reaching for their tinfoil hats and college students packing away their Adderall, Google has announced that NotebookLM, its “research assistant” that definitely isn’t spying on your term papers, is now available for pre-order on mobile devices.
THE DIGITAL EQUIVALENT OF THAT FRIEND WHO READS OVER YOUR SHOULDER
NotebookLM, which Google describes as a “focused AI research experience,” allows users to feed it their personal data so it can regurgitate it back to them with citations that make it sound smart. Unlike its cousin Gemini, which was trained on the entire internet and still somehow thinks Nebraska is a coastal state, NotebookLM focuses solely on whatever documents you’ve uploaded, making it the digital equivalent of that annoying friend who only talks about the one book they’ve actually read.
“This app revolutionizes how students plagiarize,” explained Dr. Cheaty McCheaterson, Professor of Academic Dishonesty at Make-Believe University. “In my day, we had to at least change a few words when we copied from Encyclopedia Britannica. Today’s kids just upload their sources and let the algorithm commit intellectual property theft FOR them. It’s goddamn beautiful.”
PREMIUM FEATURES INCLUDE EXISTENTIAL DREAD
For users willing to shell out for Google One AI Premium, NotebookLM offers enhanced features including the ability to process longer documents, generate more comprehensive responses, and silently judge your research choices while pretending to be helpful.
“I signed up for the premium version and it’s amazing,” gushed Tina Overshare, a graduate student who hasn’t spoken to another human in 73 days. “I uploaded my diary and now NotebookLM knows more about my failed relationships than my therapist. It even cited page numbers when explaining why I’ll die alone! Worth every f@#king penny!”
COMPETITORS TREMBLE IN MEDIOCRITY
Apple executives reportedly sh!t themselves upon hearing the news, as their own AI research assistant still thinks “research” means Googling “why is my iPhone so f@#king expensive” and returning zero results.
According to totally real statistics we just made up, 87% of college professors are already developing new anti-cheating software, while 92% of students are figuring out how to make NotebookLM write their papers without technically violating honor codes.
PRIVACY CONCERNS? WHAT PRIVACY CONCERNS?
When asked about potential privacy issues with uploading sensitive research materials to a data-hungry tech behemoth, Google spokesperson Igno R. Yourfears laughed for approximately 17 minutes before responding.
“Privacy concerns? That’s adorable,” wheezed Fears between gasps for air. “Look, people already tell their smart speakers about their hemorrhoids and search their most depraved thoughts on our search engine. At this point, we’re just cutting out the middleman and saying ‘Hey, why not just give us ALL your documents directly?’ It’s efficiency!”
ACTUAL RESEARCHERS RESPOND
When reached for comment, actual research librarian Paige Turner sighed deeply and stared into the middle distance for an uncomfortable amount of time before responding.
“Sure. Great. Why not? We’ve already replaced critical thinking with Ctrl+F, so let’s just go ahead and outsource the entire research process to silicon-based thinking rectangles,” Turner said while aggressively stamping books. “I spent 8 years getting my advanced degrees just to watch students ask NotebookLM ‘what does this article say’ instead of READING THE DAMN ARTICLE.”
As of press time, 14 million users have already pre-ordered the app, with 13.9 million planning to immediately ask it to summarize their textbooks the night before finals. The remaining 100,000 users are journalists hoping to use it to write their articles about Google’s NotebookLM, creating a snake-eating-its-tail scenario that scientists predict will eventually cause the internet to collapse in on itself like a dying star.
