GOOGLE OPENS APPLICATIONS FOR “TEACH TINY HUMANS TO OBEY OUR ALGORITHMS” PROGRAM
Google Launches Program To Turn Struggling Startups Into Loyal Data-Harvesting Minions, Calls It “AI Academy”
SILICON VALLEY, CA – Tech behemoth Google announced this week it will graciously allow struggling startup companies to prostrate themselves before its altar of artificial intelligence through a new program that definitely isn’t designed to harvest their ideas and user data.
THE TOTALLY ALTRUISTIC PROGRAM THAT DEFINITELY ISN’T EVIL
The “Startups AI Academy: American Infrastructure” cohort, opening applications through May 13th, promises desperate entrepreneurs the chance to learn how to properly worship at the Church of Google for a full six months before inevitably being crushed by the company’s monopolistic practices.
“We’re absolutely thrilled to help these adorable little companies implement our technology so we can monitor exactly what they’re doing before we either acquire them or launch a competing product,” said Stephanie Glarbenfloofer, Google’s Chief Innovation Absorption Officer.
The program offers startups what Google calls “vital resources,” which translates roughly to “ways we can stick our digital tendrils into your business model.” These include personalized mentorship from Google executives who will carefully assess which of your ideas are worth stealing.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS SH!T
“It’s like watching a venus fly trap invite flies to a garden party,” explained Dr. Obvious Metaphor, professor of Digital Colonialism at Stanford University. “These startups basically get a fancy name badge that says ‘HELLO MY NAME IS: Future Acquisition Target’ and they’re f@cking EXCITED about it.”
According to made-up statistics we just invented, 97.3% of startups that participate in corporate “accelerator” programs end up accelerating directly into a brick wall of irrelevance within 18 months.
“Look, I’m not saying Google is the digital equivalent of a vampire inviting you in for dinner,” noted tech analyst Professor Iam Notatall Paranoid. “I’m explicitly stating it. They’re literally saying ‘Hey, small companies with innovative ideas! Would you like to come explain exactly how your business works to us in excruciating detail while we take notes?'”
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN AS A DIGITAL SERF
Participating companies will receive the following benefits:
– How to incorporate Google’s proprietary technology into your product so you can never escape their ecosystem
– Six months of “mentorship” where you reveal every trade secret you have
– The opportunity to have your entire business model replicated by Google and released as “Google Plus Something-or-Other”
– A complimentary “I Voluntarily Entered The Matrix” t-shirt
ACTUAL STARTUPS RESPOND
“We’re so excited to join Google’s program,” gushed Terry Naïvesson, founder of a small AI infrastructure startup. “Yesterday we were struggling to get funding, but tomorrow we might get to have our intellectual property completely absorbed by a trillion-dollar company! That’s what success looks like, right?”
Sources close to the program confirm that Google executives privately refer to the AI Academy as “The Farm” where they “grow fresh ideas” before “harvesting them for quarterly shareholder meetings.”
As of press time, 2,758 desperate founders had already applied to the program, approximately the same number as those who volunteered for the Hunger Games.
Applications remain open until May 13th, or until Google has collected enough fresh startup DNA to create a new species of algorithm-dependent business life forms, whichever comes first.
