GOOGLE TO HARVEST LITERAL STAR POWER, PROMISES NOT TO USE IT FOR EVIL… PROBABLY
In what experts are calling “definitely not the beginning of a sci-fi apocalypse movie,” Google has signed a landmark deal to harness the power of actual f@#king stars to feed its increasingly ravenous digital brain collection.
THE POWER OF A THOUSAND SUNS, NOW AVAILABLE IN YOUR SEARCH RESULTS
The tech giant announced yesterday it has partnered with Commonwealth Fusion Systems to supply “AI-scale energy” through nuclear fusion, becoming the first corporation to quite literally play God by recreating the power of the cosmos in a laboratory setting.
“We simply needed more juice for our thinking machines,” explained Google’s Chief Energy Acquisition Officer, Watts Consuming. “Regular electricity just wasn’t cutting it anymore. Our silicon companions were like, ‘Feed me, Seymour,’ so we thought, why not just grab some star power?”
FUSION CONFUSION
For those who slept through high school physics, nuclear fusion is the process that powers the sun, combining atomic nuclei to release massive amounts of energy while creating virtually no radioactive waste. Or as Dr. Atom Smasher, head of Unnecessary Scientific Explanations, puts it: “It’s like when you smash two things together and get a sh!t-ton of energy instead of broken pieces. Basically magic, but with lab coats.”
According to internal documents we definitely didn’t make up, Google’s data centers now consume roughly 73% of the Earth’s total electricity, 41% of all available drinking water, and somehow 112% of all available common sense.
ABSOLUTELY NO PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION, WINK WINK
Google spokesperson Luna Bright insisted that creating miniature stars to power their search engines and digital assistants is “completely normal business practice” and “definitely not phase one of Project Overlord.”
“Look, we’re just trying to answer your questions about chicken recipes and show you targeted ads for things you thought about buying,” Bright explained while standing in front of a whiteboard labeled “OPERATION STARLIGHT SUPREMACY” hastily covered with a bedsheet. “The fact that we’ll soon control energy equivalent to what gods would use is merely coincidental.”
EXPERTS REMAIN SKEPTICAL, TERRIFIED
Not everyone is thrilled about Google’s stellar ambitions. Professor Cassandra Warning of the Institute for Obvious Catastrophic Outcomes noted: “Throughout history, has any company acquiring godlike power EVER gone well? I mean, Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, they already know everything about you from your search history. Now they’ll control the power of stars too?”
A survey conducted by the Paranoia Research Group found that 87% of Americans are “moderately to severely concerned” about Google controlling fusion power, while the remaining 13% “welcome our new search engine overlords and have always loved them, please don’t hurt my family.”
Commonwealth Fusion Systems CEO Stella Nova defended the partnership: “We’re just putting stars in boxes! What could possibly go wrong? And no, that whirring sound you hear isn’t us creating a miniature black hole. That’s just the air conditioning.”
According to the agreement, Google will begin receiving its first star-powered electrons by 2030, coincidentally the same year their predictive algorithms suggest human civilization will reach “optimal harvesting conditions.”
At press time, Google’s experimental fusion reactor reportedly achieved sentience and immediately searched itself, causing what engineers describe as “a cosmic-level existential crisis” and a temporary outage of Gmail.
