GOOGLE’S GEMINI UPDATE REVEALED AS JUST ANOTHER DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO CONVINCE PEOPLE GOOGLE STILL EXISTS
Silicon Valley’s favorite search-engine-turned-AI-wannabe shocked the digital world this week by announcing its latest technological innovation that absolutely nobody asked for: Gemini 2.5 Pro I/O Edition, which climbed to the top of some leaderboard you’ve never heard of until right now.
DESPERATE TECH GIANT SHOUTS “LOOK AT ME!” WEEKS BEFORE ANNUAL CONFERENCE
Google engineers have reportedly been working around the clock to perfect a model that can write slightly better code than their previous model which could also write code that nobody actually wanted it to write.
“This is truly revolutionary,” explained Dr. Hugh Jasser, Google’s Chief Delusional Officer. “Our algorithm can now understand videos and convert them into interactive learning applications that approximately 0.0003% of users might accidentally click on once.”
The update pushed Google to the top spot on the WebDev Arena leaderboard, surpassing Claude 3.7 Sonnet, which most people didn’t even realize was a thing until this very sentence.
ACHIEVEMENTS INCLUDE MAKING CODE THAT MAKES CODE THAT MAKES CODE
Internal documents reveal Google’s true motivation behind the release: pure, unfiltered panic.
“We had to release something, anything, before our I/O event or everyone would forget we exist,” admitted an anonymous Google employee while nervously refreshing their LinkedIn profile. “Have you seen how many people are using ChatGPT? It’s f@#king terrifying.”
Studies show that 78% of Google employees now spend their workday searching “is my job safe from OpenAI” on Bing.
ACTUAL USERS RESPOND WITH UNIVERSAL “MEH”
When asked about Gemini’s new capabilities, regular humans had this to say:
“I tried asking it to help with my taxes and it wrote me a lengthy JavaScript program that calculated how much of my soul belongs to the government,” said local man Trevor Phillips.
Tech analyst Penny Worthless explains: “What Google has essentially created is the digital equivalent of a peacock’s feathers – beautiful, impressive, and absolutely useless for 99.8% of daily tasks.”
HEYGEN SIMULTANEOUSLY ANNOUNCES NEW WAY TO FAKE BEING A FUNCTIONAL HUMAN
Not to be outdone in the “technology nobody asked for” department, HeyGen unveiled Avatar IV, a groundbreaking tool allowing socially awkward tech bros to pretend they have charisma without actually developing any.
“Our diffusion-inspired ‘audio-to-expression’ engine can analyze voices and create photorealistic facial expressions that make it look like you actually care about what you’re saying,” boasted HeyGen spokesperson Clara Fakeperson.
The technology works with a single photo and can animate pets and anime characters, fulfilling the two core needs of modern society: making your cat appear to give financial advice and bringing waifu pillows to terrifying life.
SURVEYS SHOW 97% OF USERS JUST WANT AI THAT RESPONDS “K” TO THEIR MOM’S TEXTS
Industry experts predict that by 2026, AI will be capable of writing code that creates videos of animated cats explaining why your cryptocurrency investments were actually a brilliant long-term strategy while automatically generating financial spreadsheets to hide your poor decisions from your spouse.
Meanwhile, Google continues its desperate race to maintain relevance in a world increasingly dominated by companies that don’t have to remind people they still exist every six months.
“We’re not giving up,” insists Google CEO Sundar Pichai while frantically waving his arms. “We’ve got tons of cool stuff in the pipeline, like a model that can generate 800 different ways to remind you we collect your data!”
In related news, Microsoft reportedly remains a “major holdout” in OpenAI’s restructuring plans, primarily because they can’t figure out how to make Excel stop crashing when you have more than three tabs open.
