# GOOGLE GEMINI UPDATE CELEBRATES BECOMING 2% LESS F@#KING STUPID THAN LAST MONTH
In what tech analysts are calling “the most important incremental nothing since sliced bread learned to toast itself,” Google has triumphantly announced its Gemini 2.5 Pro update that promises to be “almost competent” at tasks previously mastered by college sophomores.
SILICON VALLEY JERKS OFF TO MINOR IMPROVEMENTS
The update, which Google executives are calling their “most intelligent model yet,” boasts significant improvements in coding, STEM, reasoning, and image understanding – all skills that were promised in the previous seventeen updates but somehow never quite materialized.
“It’s revolutionary,” explained Dr. Obvious Hype, Google’s Chief Exaggeration Officer. “Our model can now successfully identify a cat 94% of the time, up from last month’s 92%. We’re basically gods now.”
The company specifically addressed user complaints about the previous version’s inability to perform basic writing tasks without hallucinating wildly or suggesting users commit federal crimes.
LEADERBOARD CIRCLE JERK CONTINUES
Industry experts noted that Gemini maintains its position at the top of user-preference leaderboards like LMArena and WebDevArena, both totally legitimate services that definitely aren’t manipulated by tech companies desperate to claim AI supremacy.
“Being number one on these completely objective, not-at-all-biased leaderboards is crucial,” explained Professor Idon Tcare of the Institute for Metrics Nobody Actually Understands. “It’s like winning the Super Bowl, except the goalposts move every three days and the rules are written in invisible ink.”
THINKING BUDGETS: BECAUSE YOUR COMPUTER SHOULD CHARGE EXTRA FOR EFFORT
The update also introduces “thinking budgets” in the API, allowing developers to manage costs based on how hard the AI has to pretend to think.
“If Gemini needs to really concentrate, you’ll pay more,” explained Penny Pincher, Google’s VP of Creative Billing Strategies. “It’s like how human consultants charge extra when they furrow their brows and make thoughtful humming noises.”
A staggering 78.3% of users reported being “completely f@#king confused” by the concept of thinking budgets, while 21.7% claimed to understand it but were later revealed to be lying.
MONTHLY UPDATE SCHEDULE DESIGNED TO MAKE COMPETITORS CRY
Google’s aggressive release schedule has competitors scrambling to keep up, with some industry analysts suggesting the company might soon move to hourly model updates.
“Monday morning’s model will handle haikus, the afternoon version will specialize in smoothie recipes, and by evening we’ll have one that exclusively communicates through interpretive dance emojis,” predicted tech analyst Futura Bullsh!t.
When asked if users actually needed these constant upgrades, Google CEO Sundar Pichai reportedly laughed for seventeen consecutive minutes before composing himself to say, “What users want is irrelevant. We need to release updates faster than competitors can schedule their press releases.”
As the public awaits the official release “in the coming weeks,” 97% of developers are reportedly too exhausted to care, having spent the last month frantically updating their systems to accommodate Gemini 2.5, only to learn they’ll need to do it all again by Independence Day.
Google concluded their announcement by promising the next update will be “so intelligent it will make you question your own existence and possibly marry your toaster,” confirming once and for all that the tech industry’s relationship with reality remains as tenuous as a politician’s promise on election night.
