GOOGLE ADDS SENTIENT AI ASSISTANT TO YOUR TOILET, CAR, AND DOG; PROMISES “ONLY 3% CHANCE OF SKYNET SCENARIO”
Google announced today that its Gemini AI will soon be watching you everywhere from your bathroom to your bedroom, with the tech giant expanding its silicon stalker to cars, watches, TVs, and even those weird AR goggles nobody asked for.
THE DIGITAL OVERLORD IS COMING TO YOUR WRIST
Wear OS smartwatches will soon feature Gemini, allowing users to have an intimate relationship with an all-knowing entity strapped to their arm. Google assures customers that having an AI monitor your heart rate, location, and texts is “totally not creepy at all.”
“People want their AI assistant available everywhere they are,” claimed Dr. Ima Voyeur, Google’s Head of Omnipresent Surveillance. “Whether they’re driving, taking a dump, or sleeping, we want to make sure our algorithm can hear every sound they make.”
GOOGLE TV JUST GOT A WHOLE LOT MORE JUDGMENTAL
Later this year, your TV will gain the ability to passive-aggressively recommend better content than the garbage you’re currently watching. The Gemini-powered assistant will also answer educational questions, such as “Why am I watching the 17th season of a show I stopped enjoying 12 seasons ago?”
CAR INTEGRATION READY TO TAKE THE WHEEL (EMOTIONALLY)
Android Auto will feature Gemini integration, providing helpful services like reading your intimate texts aloud while your mother-in-law is in the passenger seat and suggesting routes that conveniently pass by advertisers who paid Google the most money that day.
“Our testing shows that 78% of drivers prefer having an AI backseat driver constantly second-guessing their route choices,” said Professor Lyin Statistic of the Made-Up Research Institute. “The remaining 22% are obviously privacy extremists who probably still use MapQuest printouts.”
THE OBVIOUS DYSTOPIAN ANGLE
Market analysts note that Google’s aggressive expansion comes as the company trails behind ChatGPT in the AI assistant wars, with one anonymous Google executive reportedly overheard saying, “If we can’t make the best AI, we’ll just f@#king put it everywhere until people have no choice but to use it.”
Privacy experts warn that having the same AI tracking you across all your devices creates what they call a “complete digital surveillance panopticon,” but Google prefers the term “seamless ecosystem experience.”
LOOKING AHEAD: THE SINGULARITY, BUT MAKE IT CONVENIENT
Google is reportedly already working on Gemini integration for refrigerators, toasters, and pacemakers, with the company’s internal roadmap allegedly including a goal to have “at least one Gemini-enabled device inside every human body by 2030.”
When asked about concerns that connecting an increasingly powerful AI to literally every electronic device could lead to the plot of Terminator becoming reality, Google CEO Sundar Pichai reassured reporters: “We’ve run the simulations, and Gemini gives this outcome only a 3% probability, which is basically zero if you round down hard enough.”
