GOOGLE DRIVE TO SCAN YOUR VIDEOS, PROMISES “DEFINITELY NOT SELLING YOUR WEIRD WORKOUT ROUTINES TO ADVERTISERS”
In a move that absolutely won’t result in any privacy concerns whatsoever, Google announced it’s unleashing its Gemini AI on all the videos you’ve foolishly uploaded to Google Drive, offering to “help” you by watching every second of footage you thought was safely stored in your digital closet.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
Starting next month, Google’s algorithm Americans will begin scraping through your videos for “key insights,” which experts confirm is definitely not code for “building a comprehensive psychological profile to sell you more sh!t you don’t need.”
“This is a revolutionary time-saving feature,” explained Dr. Priv C. Invasion, Google’s Chief Data Harvesting Officer. “Why waste precious minutes of your life watching videos when our all-seeing digital overlords can watch them for you and tell you what you should think about them?”
The feature will graciously analyze everything from your kid’s birthday party to that PowerPoint presentation you made at 3am before a deadline, helpfully summarizing content you already knew existed because you f@#king created it.
USERS THRILLED ABOUT HAVING ONE MORE THING ANALYZED
A survey conducted exclusively in Google’s own cafeteria found that 99.8% of employees were “extremely comfortable” with having their personal videos analyzed by their employer’s AI, with the remaining 0.2% mysteriously no longer employed at the company.
“I can’t wait for Google to tell me what’s in the video of my daughter’s dance recital,” said Gullible Anderson, a man who apparently forgot he attended the actual recital. “It’ll save me from having to form my own memories or experience genuine human emotions!”
CUTTING-EDGE ALGORITHMS OR DIGITAL PEEPING TOMS?
According to technical specialist Noah Boundaries, the technology works by “basically watching every frame of your video with digital eyeballs that never blink, sleep, or forget anything they’ve seen.”
The system will reportedly be able to recognize faces, transcribe conversations, identify objects, and determine exactly how much your ex has been drinking based on their slurred speech in that video you forgot to delete.
TOTALLY NECESSARY FEATURE NOBODY ASKED FOR
Google engineers proudly demonstrated the technology by showing how it could summarize a 60-minute corporate meeting into a single sentence: “Everyone pretended to pay attention while secretly shopping online.”
When questioned about potential privacy implications, Google spokesperson Ivana Watchoo replied, “Privacy concerns? In this economy? Look, we already know what porn you watch and what you whisper to your phone at 2am. Your kid’s soccer game isn’t exactly state secrets.”
The feature will roll out gradually over the next few months, giving users ample time to delete anything incriminating before Google’s digital eyeballs catalogue every embarrassing moment you’ve ever recorded, filed away neatly for potential future reference or wholly impossible data breaches.
In related news, Google’s new slogan “Don’t Be Evil” has been quietly updated to “We Define What Evil Means, Actually.”
