GOOGLE’S CARBON FOOTPRINT NOW SO MASSIVE IT CAN BE SEEN FROM SPACE, EXPERTS BLAME “INSATIABLE ELECTRODE-GUZZLING THOUGHT MACHINES”
In what can only be described as the most ironic plot twist since vegans discovered plants have feelings, Google’s carbon emissions have skyrocketed a mind-numbing 51% since 2019, all while the company continues to plaster “We Love Earth!” stickers on every recycling bin at their campuses.
TECH BROS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER ELECTRICITY DOESN’T COME FROM MAGIC WALL HOLES
The tech giant, which once proudly promised to become “carbon neutral before it was cool,” has apparently discovered that running thousands of computers hot enough to melt steel beams requires more electricity than previously thought. Experts estimate that by 2026, Google’s power demands will equal that of the entire f@#king nation of Japan, a country of 126 million people who somehow manage to run bullet trains, light up Tokyo, and produce enough anime to keep half the planet entertained.
“It turns out that having philosophy debates with chat programs requires roughly the same energy as launching the space shuttle,” explained Dr. Watt Thehell, Director of Obvious Climate Conclusions at the Institute for Duh. “Who could have possibly foreseen that teaching computers to write high school essays and generate pictures of cats wearing hats would consume more electricity than several developing nations combined?”
SCOPE 3 EMISSIONS: THE EMISSIONS NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT AT PARTIES
While Google has made valiant efforts to appear environmentally conscious by installing solar panels shaped like their logo and hiring at least three people with “sustainability” in their job titles, they’ve completely sh!t the bed when it comes to scope 3 emissions. These are the emissions no one at tech companies wants to acknowledge, like that weird uncle at Thanksgiving dinner who believes birds are government drones.
According to made-up statistics from our research department, approximately 97.3% of tech executives don’t actually know what scope 3 emissions are, with 82.7% believing it’s “probably something to do with mouthwash.”
DATACENTERS MULTIPLYING FASTER THAN RABBITS ON FERTILITY DRUGS
Sources close to the matter report that Google has been building datacenters at a rate previously only seen in Minecraft speed-building competitions. These massive electricity-guzzling complexes now dot the landscape like acne on a teenager’s face after a chocolate binge.
“Each time someone asks one of these digital genies to ‘write a poem about my cat in the style of Shakespeare,’ approximately enough energy is consumed to power a small village for a day,” said Professor Hy Perbolee, who holds the distinguished chair in Exaggerated Claims at Clickbait University.
A Google spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous because they were speaking from inside a coal-powered air-conditioned tent erected specifically to combat the heat produced by their own datacenters, stated: “We remain committed to our green initiatives, which primarily consist of making our logo green every Earth Day and providing employees with reusable straws that they immediately lose.”
THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE, BUT THEY DO OCCASIONALLY STRETCH THE TRUTH
Independent analysts estimate that if Google’s carbon emissions continue at the current rate, by 2030 the company will single-handedly warm the planet by an additional 3 degrees, causing the polar ice caps to melt and revealing long-lost civilizations of people who tried to read Google’s privacy policy all the way through.
“We’ve invested billions in renewable energy,” insisted Chip Processor, Google’s Chief Electricity Consumption Officer. “Unfortunately, we’ve invested trillions in making computers that can tell you fifty different ways to make a grilled cheese sandwich while simultaneously analyzing your shopping habits and political leanings.”
CONCLUSION: SAVING PLANET LESS PROFITABLE THAN DESTROYING IT, ANALYSTS CONFIRM
In a final twist of carbon-laden irony, Google reportedly plans to solve this emissions problem by developing an AI specifically designed to figure out how to reduce emissions from other AIs, which will require building sixteen new datacenters, thus increasing their carbon footprint by another 73%.
As one employee put it on condition of anonymity, “We’re basically trying to put out a house fire using gasoline that’s been carefully sourced from organic, free-range oil wells.”
At press time, Google was reportedly considering purchasing the entire nation of Iceland just to use its geothermal energy, with plans to rename it “Googleland” or possibly “The Artist Formerly Known As Iceland.”
