GOOGLE’S NEW AI WILL WRITE YOUR APP WHILE YOU WATCH PORNOGRAPHY
Android developers rejoice as Google unveils Gemini 2.5 Pro AI for Android Studio, allowing programmers to finally admit they have no f@#king idea what they’re doing
SILICON VALLEY REINVENTS LAZINESS
In a groundbreaking announcement that has developers questioning their career choices, Google has integrated its Gemini 2.5 Pro AI into Android Studio, effectively rendering human programmers obsolete while still requiring them to show up and pretend to work.
The new system allows large language models to run on just 2GB of RAM, approximately the same amount of memory required to store one developer’s collection of “Stack Overflow solutions I don’t understand but copied anyway.”
“This is revolutionary,” said Chip Redundant, lead engineer at Google who reportedly hasn’t written a line of code since the update launched. “Now developers can focus on their core competencies, like staring blankly at screens and attending meetings where they nod thoughtfully while secretly playing mobile games.”
THE HUMAN ELEMENT: COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY
The update promises to save developers “significant time,” which industry analysts estimate translates to approximately 6.7 additional hours per week to argue about tabs versus spaces and cultivate their sourdough starters.
Dr. Barely Employed, Professor of Technological Unemployment at the University of Obvious Outcomes, explains: “Our research shows 94% of code written by humans is just garbage with occasional moments of accidental brilliance. Gemini 2.5 skips directly to the ‘occasionally works’ stage without all the existential dread.”
DEVELOPERS RESPOND WITH MIXTURE OF RELIEF AND PANIC
The Android development community has reacted with characteristic ambivalence. A survey conducted by the Association of People Who Pretend to Understand Algorithms found that 78% of developers are “secretly thrilled” they can now blame their shoddy code on an AI.
“I used to spend hours trying to figure out why my app crashed whenever someone rotated their phone,” said Junior Developer Terry Terrified. “Now Gemini fixes it instantly while I pretend to be deeply focused on ‘supervising the AI process,’ which is code for ‘watching YouTube videos about how to appear busy.'”
MEMORY REQUIREMENTS LOWER THAN DEVELOPER’S MOTIVATION
Perhaps most impressive is Gemini 2.5’s ability to run on devices with just 2-3GB of memory, significantly less than the amount needed to store the average developer’s collection of unfinished side projects and abandoned GitHub repositories.
“We’ve optimized the system to use less memory than it takes to remember all the passwords developers have written on Post-it notes stuck to their monitors,” explained Chief Technical Wizard Sandra Sarcasm.
At press time, reports indicated that 86% of apps created using Gemini 2.5 Pro still somehow managed to ask for unnecessary permissions to access users’ contacts, location, and deepest insecurities, proving that even AI knows the true purpose of mobile development is data harvesting, not functionality.
