GOOGLE’S NEW AI SECURITY TOOL BASICALLY JUST TELLING HACKERS “PLEASE STOP” IN BINARY
In what tech analysts are calling “revolutionary” and “completely f@#king useless simultaneously,” Google has unleashed its Sec-Gemini v1 AI security system, which reportedly outperforms rivals by a whopping 11% while essentially just asking hackers nicely to go away.
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The new security AI, armed with real-time data from Google Threat Intelligence, Mandiant attack reports, and something called an “Open Source Vulnerabilities database” (which insiders confirm is just a Google Sheet titled “Oopsies We Found”), claims to be 11% better than competing security systems. Security experts note this is like bragging your screen door keeps out 11% more mosquitoes than your neighbor’s screen door with an actual hole in it.
“It’s truly groundbreaking technology,” explained Dr. Ima Gullible, Chief Technology Optimist at MakesBelieve Research. “Sec-Gemini essentially watches hackers steal your data, then generates a beautifully worded report about how they did it, complete with helpful suggestions for what passwords they might try next.”
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The cybercriminal community has responded with unexpected enthusiasm. “We haven’t been this excited since companies started putting all their security passwords on Post-it notes,” said NotARealHacker404, who asked to remain anonymous despite using their actual username for the interview.
According to completely made-up statistics, Sec-Gemini has already prevented 142% of theoretical attacks while simultaneously creating 37 new security vulnerabilities that didn’t previously exist. Google engineers call this “innovation.”
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The system reportedly has access to Google Threat Intelligence, which sources confirm is just a basement full of interns frantically googling “how to stop hackers” and “what does malware mean.”
“The beauty of Sec-Gemini is that it thinks 11% faster than other security systems,” explained Professor Algorithm P. Buzzword of the Institute for Making Simple Things Unnecessarily Complicated. “When a hacker breaches your system in 3 seconds instead of 2.67 seconds, that’s valuable time you can use to write a strongly-worded tweet about your disappointment.”
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Security analyst Penny Worthless noted that the 11% improvement translates to real-world benefits: “Instead of losing all your data instantly, you now have time to watch exactly one-tenth of a TikTok video before your entire digital life is compromised. Progress!”
At press time, Google engineers were reportedly working on Sec-Gemini v2, which will feature a groundbreaking “pretty please with sugar on top” protocol that early tests show could improve security by another 0.4%, assuming hackers are feeling particularly generous that day.
