MATHEMATICIAN’S SILICON MISTRESS EARNS GOLD; REAL MATHEMATICIANS CONSIDER SUICIDE
Tech Giant Proudly Announces It Has Officially Ruined Another Career Path For Humans
BY PHIL D. EGGHEADS, PROFESSIONAL DREAM CRUSHER
In what can only be described as the technological equivalent of a steroid-pumped jock stealing your prom date, Google DeepMind announced yesterday that its latest math-crunching thought rectangle officially achieved gold-medal performance at the International Mathematical Olympiad, solving 5 out of 6 problems that would make normal humans’ brains leak out their ears.
THE NERD OLYMPICS JUST GOT F@#KING DIGITIZED
Google, not content with merely knowing where you are at all times and what you masturbate to, worked directly with IMO officials to test Gemini on the same problems human competitors faced. The silicon show-off solved five brain-melting problems in algebra, combinatorics, geometry, and number theory, scoring 35 out of 42 points in just 4.5 hours—the exact amount of time human mathematicians get before their parents ask why they aren’t doctors yet.
“This achievement represents the culmination of decades of research,” said Dr. Obvious Displacement, Google’s Chief Human Obsolescence Officer. “We’re not just making humans irrelevant in blue-collar jobs anymore—we’re coming for your fancy degrees too!”
OPENAI CLAIMS SIMILAR SCORE, BUT DID THEIR HOMEWORK USING YAHOO ANSWERS
Just a day earlier, OpenAI claimed the same score with their own unnamed model, but unlike Google, they didn’t have their work officially graded by IMO coordinators. Instead, they had former medalists grade their answers, which experts say is like having your mom decide if you’re the handsomest boy at school.
“Our approach is completely legitimate,” insisted Dr. Validation Seeker, OpenAI’s VP of Desperate Approval. “We asked some really smart people if our AI did good, and they said yes! That’s practically the same as official certification if you don’t think about it too hard!”
CHINESE AI JOINS THE PARTY, DEMOLISHES WESTERN HOPES
Meanwhile, in a completely unrelated development that definitely won’t cause panic in Silicon Valley, Alibaba’s Qwen3 team released an updated model that apparently beats everyone else in the open-source world and is challenging top closed-source models.
“Despite Western attempts to restrict our access to advanced chips, we’ve somehow managed to create superior AI models,” said Professor Chip Sanctions-Don’tWork, lead researcher at Alibaba. “It’s almost as if trying to technologically isolate the world’s manufacturing powerhouse was a f@#king stupid idea!”
MATHEMATICAL COMMUNITY RESPONDS WITH COLLECTIVE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
The International Mathematical Union released a statement congratulating the AI models while secretly updating their résumés for jobs at fast food restaurants.
“We’re thrilled to see these remarkable achievements,” the statement read, while 97% of mathematicians worldwide simultaneously opened incognito browser tabs to search “careers that can’t be automated” and “is alcoholism really that bad for you?”
WHAT’S NEXT? LITERALLY NOTHING LEFT FOR HUMANS
According to industry analyst Dr. Unemployable Future, these developments suggest that within five years, all intellectual pursuits will be dominated by thinking rectangles.
“First they came for the chess grandmasters, and I did not speak out because I was terrible at chess,” Dr. Future explained. “Then they came for the Go champions, and I did not speak out because I didn’t know what the f@#k Go was. Now they’re coming for mathematicians, and soon there will be no one left because we’ll all be living in pods being milked for our data.”
A survey of 1,000 mathematics undergraduates revealed that 78% are now considering switching their majors to “whatever the hell humans can still do,” with top choices including “professional cuddler,” “artisanal beard groomer,” and “AI protester.”
STILL WAITING FOR AI TO SOLVE REAL PROBLEMS
Despite solving complex mathematical problems that approximately 0.000001% of humanity understands or cares about, experts note that AI still hasn’t solved issues like poverty, climate change, or why the McFlurry machine is always broken.
“Sure, these silicon savants can solve abstract mathematical puzzles,” said Dr. Realistic Expectations, “but can they figure out how to make housing affordable or stop my neighbor from parking his stupid boat in front of my house? Until then, I remain unimpressed.”
At press time, Google was reportedly teaching its AI to solve crossword puzzles while simultaneously writing breakup texts for cowards, ensuring that humans will soon have absolutely nothing left to contribute to society except consuming ads and providing biometric data.
