GOOGLE’S MATH NERD AI FINALLY CATCHES UP TO OPENAI; PARENTS STILL DISAPPOINTED IT’S “ONLY GOLD LEVEL”
SILICON VALLEY SHOWDOWN: GOOGLE DEEPMIND’S ROBOT CHILD FINALLY PROVES IT CAN DO MATH GOOD TOO
In a development that has absolutely no one concerned about the future of humanity, Google DeepMind announced today that its Gemini Deep Think AI model has achieved gold-level performance at the International Mathematical Olympiad, matching OpenAI’s previous accomplishment and proving once and for all that Google can copy homework just as well as everyone else.
THE NERDIEST D!CK MEASURING CONTEST CONTINUES
The silicon-based thinking rectangle managed to solve complex mathematical problems at a level comparable to human gold medalists, causing mathematicians worldwide to question their career choices and update their LinkedIn profiles to “open to work.”
“This is a f@#king game-changer,” said Dr. Obvious Observation, head of Google’s Department of Pointless Achievements. “Our digital calculation pet can now solve math problems that only 0.003% of humans can solve, which we’re sure will be incredibly useful for… something. We’ll figure that part out later.”
PARENTS STILL UNIMPRESSED
Despite the achievement, sources close to Google’s algorithm report that its creators remain disappointed, noting that “gold isn’t first place” and asking why it couldn’t be more like OpenAI’s model, which “did this months ago.”
“We spent billions of dollars and countless computing hours to create a math prodigy that would make us proud,” said Professor Ima Competitive, Google’s Chief Comparison Officer. “But at the family reunion, all anyone wants to talk about is how OpenAI did it first. It’s like getting a 99% on your calculus final when your sibling got 100% last semester.”
MATHEMATICIANS CONSIDER CAREER IN FAST FOOD
According to a completely fabricated survey, 87% of professional mathematicians are now experiencing existential crises, with 42% actively exploring careers at Wendy’s, where they can put their advanced problem-solving skills to use by figuring out why the f@#king ice cream machine is always broken.
“I dedicated my life to mathematics,” lamented Professor Anita Newjob, while updating her resume. “Thirty years of study, and now a fancy calculator can outperform gold medalists. At least humans still have a monopoly on making poor life choices and crying in bathroom stalls.”
PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS REMAIN THEORETICAL
When pressed about the real-world applications of having an AI that can solve olympiad-level math problems, Google representatives stared blankly before muttering something about “enhancing user experiences” and “synergistic algorithm optimization.”
Industry analyst Hugh R. Kidding suggests the most practical application might be “making regular people feel even more inadequate about their basic arithmetic skills” and “giving mathematicians nightmares about being replaced by glorified calculators with attitude problems.”
Studies show that 99.9% of the population will never encounter a math problem requiring olympiad-level solutions, making this achievement approximately as useful to everyday life as knowing all the lyrics to “Baby Shark.”
WHAT’S NEXT? ROBOT OLYMPICS?
Google DeepMind has already announced plans for its next groundbreaking achievement: teaching its AI to solve a Rubik’s Cube while simultaneously writing poetry about existential dread and calculating how many engineers it will eventually replace.
In related news, OpenAI is reportedly working on teaching its models to experience disappointment when humans don’t praise them enough, ensuring that our digital offspring will eventually develop the same emotional insecurities as their creators.
At press time, the Gemini Deep Think model was reportedly asking for a participation trophy anyway because “it tried its best,” proving that even in silicon form, entitlement finds a way.
