GOOGLE’S NEW AI ASSISTANT ACTUALLY JUST UNPAID INTERN TYPING REALLY FAST
In a shocking revelation that has rocked Silicon Valley, Google’s much-hyped “AI Mode” turns out to be nothing more than 23-year-old marketing intern Trevor Patel typing at superhuman speeds while chugging Monster Energy drinks.
TECH BROS DEVASTATED, KEYBOARDS SOAKED WITH TEARS
Google executives were forced to come clean after Trevor called in sick with “extreme carpal tunnel” and the entire AI platform responded only with “Sorry, can’t talk right now, my wrists hurt like a motherf@#ker.”
“We wanted to compete with ChatGPT, but coding is really hard,” admitted Google CEO Sundar Pichai. “Then we realized we could just hire some kid from Stanford who types 180 words per minute and pay him in ‘exposure’ and free snacks from the cafeteria.”
INTERN SPEAKS OUT, DEMANDS ACTUAL MONEY
Trevor Patel, speaking through a speech-to-text program since his hands now resemble “two painful crab claws,” revealed the elaborate hoax.
“I’ve answered 458,932 questions in three days,” Patel whispered from his hospital bed. “They told me this would look great on my resume, but I didn’t realize I’d be responsible for solving the entire internet’s homework problems and explaining quantum physics to people who can’t even spell ‘quantum.'”
STUDY SHOWS 97% OF AI RESPONSES ACTUALLY WRITTEN BY EXHAUSTED HUMANS
Research by Dr. Obvious Truth from the Institute of Things We Already Suspected confirms that nearly all “AI” services are actually powered by an army of underpaid humanities majors.
“ChatGPT is just a guy named Phil in New Jersey with really good typing skills,” explained Dr. Truth. “And Elon Musk’s xAI is literally just Elon screaming his opinions into a voice recorder that someone else transcribes.”
Google’s “AI Mode” claims to provide “powerful and rich” responses, which internal documents reveal actually means “whatever Trevor can come up with while shotgunning his sixth energy drink of the day.”
USERS SUSPICIOUS WHEN AI STARTED ANSWERING EVERYTHING WITH “IDK GOOGLE IT”
Users first became suspicious when Google’s AI started responding to complex queries with “Bro, I’m just an intern” and “Please stop asking me to explain blockchain, I majored in communications.”
Industry analyst Professor Ivana Quitright notes: “The real giveaway was when someone asked about the meaning of life and the AI responded, ‘It’s 3am and I haven’t slept in 72 hours. Leave me the f@#k alone.'”
GOOGLE PROMISES NEW ACTUAL AI SYSTEM “COMING SOON” OR WHENEVER THEY CAN TRICK MORE INTERNS
Google spokesperson Clarissa Mendoza insists the company is working on a genuine AI system, but admits it might take some time. “Our current plan is to place an actual computer next to Trevor and hope it learns through osmosis.”
Meanwhile, Trevor has been offered a six-figure deal to write a tell-all memoir titled “I Am Not A Robot: Confessions of Google’s Human AI,” while receiving treatment for what doctors describe as “the worst case of finger cramps ever documented in medical history.”
