GOOGLE DUMPS $9 BILLION IN OKLAHOMA DIRT, DESPERATE TO FIND INTELLIGENCE ANYWHERE IN AMERICA
In a move that screams “we’ve officially run out of ideas,” Google announced plans to inject $9 billion into Oklahoma’s economy, ostensibly to power “America’s AI leadership” but actually because they’ve mistaken tumbleweeds for signs of neural activity.
OKLAHOMA: WHERE DREAMS GO TO GET DEEP FRIED AND SERVED WITH A SIDE OF RANCH
The tech giant will construct a massive data center complex in the Sooner State, creating what executives call a “digital frontier” but what locals are already referring to as “that big-ass building where computers do stuff.”
“We chose Oklahoma because our algorithms determined it was the last place anyone would look for intelligence,” said Melinda Processors, Google’s Senior Vice President of Desperate Real Estate Decisions. “Plus, the state’s vast emptiness perfectly mirrors the void in our strategic planning.”
The facility will employ upwards of 50 humans and approximately 780 billion transistors, maintaining a healthy 15.6 billion to 1 ratio that company officials describe as “the future of work.”
STUDENTS RECEIVE FREE AI TRAINING, FUTURE UNEMPLOYMENT
As part of the deal, students at Oklahoma universities will receive free access to AI certifications, effectively training them to build the very technology that will render their degrees worthless within five years.
“This is f@#king incredible,” said Jeremy Wheatfield, a computer science major at the University of Oklahoma. “I’m learning how to program the exact system that will eventually write code better than me. It’s like a butcher teaching a cow how to sharpen knives.”
Dr. Imminent Obsolescence, Professor of Future Unemployment at Oklahoma State, praised the initiative: “By the time these kids graduate, they’ll be perfectly positioned to explain to their parents why they’re moving back home despite having ‘that fancy computer degree.'”
THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE BECAUSE WE MADE THEM UP
Economic analysts predict the investment will create approximately 4,300 construction jobs, 150 permanent positions, and 97,000 existential crises. A stunning 89% of local residents surveyed responded with “What the hell is AI?” while the remaining 11% asked if it was “some kind of fancy new cattle feed.”
Google plans to power the facility using a combination of renewable energy sources and the hot air generated from Oklahoma politicians’ speeches about energy independence.
TOTALLY NORMAL INFRASTRUCTURE REQUIREMENTS
The data center will require 87 million gallons of water daily, roughly equivalent to what the average Oklahoma resident drinks in beer during a single college football game. When questioned about the environmental impact, Google representatives quickly changed the subject to how many free T-shirts they’d be distributing at the groundbreaking ceremony.
“We’ve conducted extensive environmental studies,” said Terrence Greenwash, Google’s Head of Making Things Sound Sustainable That Absolutely Aren’t. “Our research conclusively proves that computers need more water than actual living organisms. It’s just science.”
In a related development, Oklahoma officials have begun drafting legislation granting Google’s algorithms the right to vote in local elections, with Governor Kevin Stitt explaining, “If corporations are people, then surely the thinking rectangles inside them deserve representation.”
As construction begins next month, local residents remain cautiously optimistic about their new silicon-based neighbors, with 76% expressing hope that the algorithms might finally be able to explain why their football team chokes in the fourth quarter every d@mn time.
“At least these computer things won’t be worse than our politicians,” said longtime Oklahoma resident Mabel Truthspeak. “Unless they start sending unsolicited pictures of their USB ports, in which case all bets are off.”
