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Robotaxi Uprising Postponed as GM Realizes AI Still Thinks Red Lights Are “Suggestions”

In an astonishing twist of disappointment, General Motors has decided to bid a not-so-fond farewell to their robotaxi business. Apparently, leaving our transportation fate in the hands of temperamental software programmed by caffeine-fueled developers in Silicon Valley was too grandiose of a dream for the time being. Meanwhile, Tesla, never one to shy away from a colossal challenge or a lawsuit, is gearing up to launch its very own fleet of self-perpetuating pizza delivery machines, otherwise known as self-driving cars.

This spectacular retreat by GM essentially boils down to one cut-and-dry reality: Artificial Intelligence and traffic lights are reportedly still in couples therapy, trying to agree on the definition of red. “We figured it might be a wise move to hold off on rolling out products that consider every road sign a suggestion until we get the whole ‘not crashing into things’ bit down,” said GM’s spokesperson, candidly outlining the issue with the optimism typically reserved for weather forecasts in Seattle.

But in a surprising twist, reports from the field pointed out that the robotaxis were incredibly proficient at parallel parking, albeit only when no cars were observed in the surrounding 15 miles.

Meanwhile, Tesla’s head honcho Elon Musk is raising the stakes with a full-blown immersive campaign entitled “Fun With Lawsuits and Robotaxis,” where thrill-seekers can sign up for Beta rides at their own peril. Rumor has it that Musk personally reassured potential beta testers that “all the glitches only appear when planets are in rare alignment,” which occurs just 87 times a day.

“We see this as an exciting step forward towards a future where cars drive themselves and we humans can focus more on our collective existential dread,” Tesla’s newly appointed Director of Denying Reality commented.

In a more human-centric subplot, the tale of Odyssean proportions continues elsewhere, where one heroic woman fights to shield housing applications from the miscalculations of AI algorithms, lest an Excel mishap lead to involuntary vagabonding.

Critics have cheered GM’s decision, voicing that AI is already busy deciding which groceries you should have bought, which human you should marry, and most importantly, who to send cat memes to. Throw in controlling your car, and everything gets a bit dystopian, like a TV show that was canceled after the pilot.

Who knew the future of self-driving was this reminiscent of the time our MP3 players insisted they had better taste in music than we did? As of this very moment, the world will have to content itself with humanity’s crowning technological achievement — the Roomba.