GLOBAL SOUTH READY TO RECEIVE AI HAND-ME-DOWNS AFTER NORTH DESTROYS ITSELF WITH CHATBOTS
In a stunning development that absolutely no one saw coming, the global south is preparing to inherit whatever remains of artificial intelligence after the global north finishes using it to generate d!ck pics and automate their own layoffs.
COLONIAL POWERS SHOCKED THAT FORMER COLONIES DON’T TRUST THEM WITH NEW TECH
Representatives from Silicon Valley expressed genuine confusion that countries previously exploited for centuries might be skeptical about their new digital overlords.
“We just don’t understand why Trinidad and Tobago isn’t more excited about our facial recognition software that only works on white people,” said Chad Moneyworth, VP of Global Domination at TechBro Industries. “It’s almost like they remember something bad happened before.”
EXPERTS WARN OF DIGITAL COLONIALISM, SUGGEST MAYBE TRYING REGULAR COLONIALISM AGAIN
“What we’re seeing is essentially electronic imperialism with better PR,” explained Dr. Obviosa Truth, Professor of No-Sh!t Studies at the University of Common Sense. “Instead of stealing natural resources, we’re just harvesting all their data, controlling their technological infrastructure, and making them dependent on our systems. Totally different!”
A recent survey found that 98.7% of Silicon Valley executives couldn’t point to Trinidad and Tobago on a map, with 43.2% confidently identifying it as “somewhere near Thailand probably.”
THE CUTTING EDGE OF INEQUALITY
Tech leaders insist they’re doing everything possible to address the digital divide, primarily by sending thoughts, prayers, and refurbished iPhone 7s.
“We’ve created a special ‘AI for Poor People’ initiative,” beamed Stephanie Whitesplain, Chief Inequality Officer at AlgorithmCorp. “It’s exactly like regular AI, except it doesn’t work and we get tax breaks for providing it.”
Meanwhile, countries in the global south have begun developing their own technological solutions, which has sent northern tech bros into a panic.
“If they create their own AI systems, how will we monitor their populations and sell them subscriptions to basic human rights?” worried venture capitalist Blake Capitalism. “It’s almost like they don’t want to be exploited. Very concerning trend.”
NORTH PROMISES TO SHARE TECHNOLOGY AFTER COMPLETELY RUINING IT
In a generous gesture, G7 nations have pledged to share AI technology with the global south right after they’ve used it to destroy democracy, eliminate millions of jobs, and create convincing deepfakes of everyone’s grandmother saying racist things.
“We promise to hand over the reins just as soon as we’ve crashed this technological rocket ship into the side of a mountain,” said Former Colonial Power spokesperson William Conquerer III. “It’s the least we can do after everything else we’ve done. And I mean the ABSOLUTE least.”
At press time, Silicon Valley was busy developing a new AI system designed to explain to global south countries why they should be grateful for whatever technological scraps fall from the table, while simultaneously training the same system to replace 97% of the tech industry’s own workforce.
