Global Leaders Assemble to Solve Climate Crisis, Discover Excessive Talking Actually Generates Energy
In a move that has reinvigorated the world’s faith in collective procrastination, a group of researchers, government officials, and CEOs assembled in Cambridge last week to tackle the ever-elusive challenge of climate change. The event, complete with lattes and an impressive buffet, was thrillingly themed “A durable energy transition”, and promised change that would come as swiftly as a glacier.
William H. Green, head honcho of MIT’s Energy Initiative, kicked things off by stating the bloody obvious: “We have to decarbonize and do it even faster.” It was a wake-up call for those in the room who totally had no idea, suggesting somehow they had, until that very moment, thought coal was eco-friendly. Green elaborated on the difficulties faced with global tensions and data centers consuming more energy than a bored teenager’s smartphone. “We must work together,” he declared, omitting the plan to actually get anything done.
The conference, while occasionally resembling a high school reunion meets avoidance therapy session, was united in its consensus that we must build consensus—a circularity so exquisite it could be used to power entire cities if only converted to kinetic energy. Stephen Ansolabehere of Harvard put it plainly: “There’s blowback and a social cost in transitioning away from fossil fuels,” a revelation tantamount to discovering that water is indeed wet.
Not to be outdone in showing off its urban planning prowess, MIT proposed training students to become “mediation ninjas” in renewable energy conflicts. Larry Susskind, professional placater, recommended talking to people before making decisions—a radical concept previously unheard of in government or corporate boardrooms.
Meanwhile, big tech companies like Google and Microsoft revealed that their relentless quest for data supremacy is, accidentally or not, contributing to an energy demand surge. “Boom,” said Microsoft’s Sean James as if narrating a new line of fireworks. Yet companies were still caught proverbially with their pants down as if they hadn’t been tracking every kilowatt since the beginning of time.
The highlight of the spectacles was perhaps the fireside chat featuring Exxon’s Prasanna V. Joshi and MIT’s Ernest J. Moniz who bemoaned the glacial pace of policy, navigating the metaphorical swamp with concepts like “carrots-and-sticks,” or, controversially, “build a stick out of carrots.” The session answered burning questions like “How do you burn 100% ammonia?”, wisely dodging queries about how much energy was exhausted ponderously thinking it over.
The transition is apparently a collective global mood swing, with India aspiring to ramp up power usage as fast as possible while saving the planet. Tata Power’s CEO excitedly wooed MIT, vowing to triple nuclear power by 2032 with fervor that would make even nuclear skeptics reconsider breakfast.
Back in the glorious utopian hallway of MIT, a cluster of startup superheroes and undergrads assured everyone that if nothing else works, they’ve got the dismally elusive magic solution hidden somewhere in their offices. From DIY atmospheric CO₂ capture boxes to potentially explosive iron batteries, it’s clear there are enough imaginative ideas to power endless meetings and maybe, just maybe, a lightbulb.
And thus as the conference wrapped up with a student “slam” competition in which engineers out-spoke each other in energy-saving schemes, Trent Lee, representing jaded optimism, confirmed, “We are stoked by the energy transition.” The future, disturbingly indefinite, awaits their talents—or at least their astonishing endurance for speeches longer than the Great Wall of China.
