Germany’s IT Market to Expand by $31 Billion, Citizens Still Can’t Reset Their Passwords
Germany’s IT sector is reportedly growing at such an alarming rate that by 2028, it will have an additional $31 billion pumped into it. However, sources confirm that Helga from accounting still can’t figure out how to reset her f#&$%ing password.
According to a new report, Germany’s tech industry is poised for a boom, likely fueled by artificial intelligence, big data, and an overwhelming sense of confusion from government agencies trying to transition from fax machines to email.
“We are committed to innovation,” said Klaus Weber, a digital consultant who has spent 12 years trying to get his clients to stop using Internet Explorer. “This investment will push Germany’s IT capabilities into the future—or at least somewhere closer to the rest of the 21st century.”
Despite this projected surge in funds, some experts remain skeptical. IT professionals warn that an influx of billions will not solve the nation’s biggest hurdle—getting employees to stop clicking on phishing emails that say, “You’ve won a free vacation!”
Meanwhile, German businesses are already preparing for a digital transformation, with many vowing to modernize their systems just as soon as they figure out how to change the printer toner without calling IT support.
Critics argue that while the numbers sound impressive, actual digital progress in Germany tends to move at the speed of an elderly man attempting to buy a train ticket from a touchscreen kiosk. “People think of Germany and imagine efficiency,” said cyber security analyst Lisa Hoffmann. “But have you ever seen a German bureaucrat try to open a PDF? We have a long way to go.”
Despite its reputation for engineering excellence, Germany still ranks alarmingly low in basic tech adoption. Recent studies show that 60% of businesses are still using software that predates the invention of the iPhone, and it’s widely believed that at least one major government office is still running Windows XP.
At press time, Helga was seen yelling at her computer because “the IT people changed something again,” while IT support collectively decided to pretend they didn’t see her email.
