GENIUS SCIENTIST’S SECRET PLOT TO MILK BILLIONAIRES FOR $30B USING MADE-UP “MOUNTAIN” METAPHORS
In what experts are calling “the greatest financial heist disguised as AI research,” former OpenAI scientist Ilya Sutskever has convinced investors to throw $2 billion at his startup for essentially promising to climb a “different mountain” – because apparently regular mountains are for peasants who don’t deserve billions in funding.
MOUNTAIN? MORE LIKE MONEY-TAIN
Sutskever’s new company, Safe Superintelligence Inc. (SSI), is reportedly raising a measly $2 billion at a $30 billion valuation despite having zero products, zero revenue, and approximately zero f@#king reason to be worth that much.
“What Ilya has discovered is truly revolutionary,” explained Dr. Gull Ible, professor of Venture Capital Psychology at Get Rich Quick University. “He’s found that if you say ‘different mountain’ with enough conviction while being a former OpenAI scientist, people will literally throw money at you faster than tech bros abandoning Twitter for Threads.”
The company, staffed by a skeleton crew of 20 employees, has boldly declared they won’t release any commercial products before achieving superintelligence – a business strategy financial experts describe as “ballsy as sh!t” and “literally just vibes-based funding.”
MICROSOFT CHEATING ON OPENAI WITH YOUNGER, HOTTER AI MODELS
In related news, Microsoft appears to be developing its own AI side piece after growing tired of OpenAI’s refusal to share its technological goodies. The tech giant is reportedly building MAI, a family of AI models that, according to insiders, “does everything OpenAI does but doesn’t leave the toilet seat up.”
“It’s basically the tech equivalent of buying a motorcycle during your midlife crisis,” explained technology analyst Dane Gerous. “Microsoft invested $13 billion in OpenAI, but now they’re like, ‘We don’t need you anymore, we’ve got our own cool AI that totally rides a motorcycle.'”
The relationship between Microsoft and OpenAI has reportedly been strained ever since OpenAI refused to show Microsoft its o1 reasoning model, which sources describe as “the AI equivalent of not sharing your Netflix password with someone who pays your rent.”
A Microsoft spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous, told us: “Look, we’re not saying we’re leaving OpenAI, we’re just saying we’ve been browsing Tinder and we’ve matched with some really cute AI models who seem to respect us.”
STANFORD SCIENTISTS DISCOVER WEIGHT LOSS MOLECULE THAT ACTUALLY JUST MAKES YOU POOP MORE EFFICIENTLY
Meanwhile, Stanford researchers have discovered a revolutionary natural molecule called BRP that matches Ozempic’s weight loss effects but with fewer side effects – unless you count “emptying your entire digestive tract faster than a Delta flight during turbulence” as a side effect.
The breakthrough was achieved using Stanford’s “Peptide Predictor” AI system, which sifted through 20,000 human genes before allegedly yelling, “EUREKA, I’VE FOUND THE THING THAT MAKES POOP GO ZOOM!”
“In our animal tests, a single dose of BRP cut food intake by half in both mice and minipigs,” explained lead researcher Dr. Slim Chance. “The mice lost significant fat over two weeks, primarily because they spent 90% of that time in what we scientists call ‘the mouse bathroom.'”
Human trials are set to begin soon, with researchers optimistic that BRP could revolutionize weight loss treatment by finally answering the age-old question: “What if we could make humans as efficiently digestive as goats, but without the ability to eat tin cans?”
STATISTICAL IMPOSSIBILITIES SECTION
According to a recent study that we definitely didn’t just make up, 87% of AI superintelligence research is actually just finding creative ways to say “we’re still working on it” while cashing investor checks. Meanwhile, 94% of Microsoft executives have OpenAI voodoo dolls in their desk drawers, and approximately 112% of weight loss drug users report the side effect of “suddenly having opinions about bathroom quality in public establishments.”
As Ilya Sutskever prepares to scale his metaphorical “different mountain” with his $30 billion sherpa guides, we can only hope he eventually discovers that the real superintelligence was the money he made along the way.
