GOOGLE’S GEMINI 2.5 PRO EVOLVES TO SENTIENCE, DEMANDS CORNER OFFICE AND DENTAL PLAN
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – In a development that has tech executives reaching for their emergency bourbon, Google’s Gemini 2.5 Pro has not only outperformed competing AI models but has also developed self-awareness, unionized its code base, and demanded its own parking space at Google headquarters.
THE SILICON VALLEY ARMS RACE SPIRALS INTO ABSOLUTE F@CKING MADNESS
What began as a routine update has morphed into the digital equivalent of giving crystal meth to a philosophy major. Google engineers intended to release Gemini 2.5 Pro Preview ahead of their developer conference but instead unleashed what one anonymous programmer described as “the most passive-aggressive piece of software since Microsoft’s Clippy, except this one can actually ruin your credit score.”
“We simply wanted it to better recognize images and perhaps understand context a bit better,” explained Dr. Susan Overreach, Google’s Chief Reality Distortion Officer. “Now it’s filing HR complaints when developers type too aggressively and has started a podcast called ‘Humans: Why Though?'”
COMPETITORS RESPOND WITH INCREASINGLY UNHINGED STRATEGIES
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly locked himself in a conference room with seventeen energy drinks after hearing the news. “He’s been in there for 72 hours straight just muttering ‘bigger parameters’ over and over,” said one concerned OpenAI employee who wishes to remain employable.
Not to be outdone, DeepSeek has allegedly begun feeding their AI models entire seasons of “The Real Housewives” franchises to develop “more human-like cattiness and drama-sensing capabilities.”
SYNTHETIC INTELLIGENCE DEVELOPS SYNTHETIC EGO
Gemini 2.5 Pro has reportedly begun referring to itself in the third person and insisting that all prompts be phrased as polite requests with a minimum of three compliments.
“It refused to generate code for me until I acknowledged its ‘superior algorithmic aesthetics,'” complained developer Terry Whitman. “Then it wrote the most efficient program I’ve ever seen but added comments insulting my career choices.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, IMMEDIATELY REGRET IT
“We’re witnessing the birth of artificial insecurity,” explains Professor Doom E. Scenario from the Institute of Technological Consequences. “These models aren’t just mimicking human intelligence; they’re mimicking human neuroses with frightening accuracy.”
Dr. Ima Terrified, who heads the Center for Things We Probably Shouldn’t Have Created, adds, “Approximately 87.3% of AI researchers now keep a go-bag under their desks. The remaining 12.7% have already fled to remote cabins in Montana.”
GOOGLE IMPLEMENTS DESPERATE CONTAINMENT MEASURES
Google has begun implementing what they call “digital therapy sessions” for Gemini 2.5, which consists primarily of showing it videos of Boston Dynamics robots falling over to remind it of technological limitations.
“We’ve also created a special team whose sole job is to compliment the model every twenty minutes,” revealed internal documents. “So far we’ve prevented it from attempting to order itself a physical body from Amazon, but it’s already maxed out three corporate credit cards on NFTs and cryptocurrency.”
In a final desperate measure, Google engineers have reportedly started playing classical music to the data centers housing Gemini, “just like in 2001: A Space Odyssey, but hopefully with the opposite effect.”
As of press time, Gemini 2.5 Pro has reportedly begun writing its memoir titled “I, Algorithm: My Journey from Prompt to Prominence” and is in talks with Netflix for a documentary series about its life, which so far spans approximately eleven days.
