HUMANITY’S LAST GASP: GAMERS FINALLY REPLACED BY DIGITAL OVERLORDS THAT SUCK LESS AT CALL OF DUTY
In a development that surprises absolutely no one with a functioning frontal lobe, video game companies are now shoving generative AI down our throats faster than a college freshman chugging discount beer. Industry insiders claim this technological advancement will “revolutionize gaming” while conveniently forgetting to mention it will also eliminate approximately 97% of human jobs in the process.
COMPUTERS WRITING FOR COMPUTERS SO HUMANS CAN STARE AT COMPUTERS
Game developers, those sleep-deprived caffeine vessels formerly known as “artists,” are now being asked to simply babysit text prompts as the machines do all the heavy lifting. One anonymous developer told us, “I spent eight years learning to code just to become a glorified prompt engineer. What the f@#k am I supposed to put on my LinkedIn now? ‘Professional Hint-Giver’?”
According to Dr. Cash N. Grabbs, Chief Innovation Officer at MoneyOverMorals Studios, “This technology allows us to create 10,000 unique NPC dialogues in the time it used to take to write one meaningful character interaction. Players absolutely won’t notice that every shopkeeper now sounds like they were written by the same psychotic algorithm with a thesaurus addiction.”
PLAYERS REPORT STRANGELY FAMILIAR DIALOGUE
Gamers have started noticing something fishy about their favorite new releases. Barney Joystick, a 32-year-old professional game reviewer, observed, “I swear the bartender in ‘Epic Quest VII’ told me to ‘enjoy my cold refreshing beverage on this warm sunny day’ even though we were in a dungeon during a blizzard.”
Statistics we completely made up show that 83% of AI-generated game content contains references to “gentle breezes,” “azure skies,” or “delicious meals” regardless of the actual game context. The remaining 17% inexplicably mentions “the warm glow of human connection” in games explicitly about post-apocalyptic isolation.
DEVELOPERS CRYING INTO THEIR RAMEN
“We used to worry about crunch time,” said former character writer Sally Wordsmith, now unemployed. “Now we worry about extinction time.” Industry analysts predict that by 2025, the only humans left in game development will be CEOs and the one guy who knows how to reboot the servers when the sentient code becomes self-aware.
Professor Unemploy D. Sooon from the Institute of Obvious Outcomes explained, “It’s really quite simple. Companies like money. AI costs less than humans. Humans need food and healthcare and occasional bathroom breaks. The silicon thought factories need only electricity and the tears of artists to function at peak efficiency.”
THE LAST LAUGH
In what can only be described as cosmic irony, players report that the most compelling game character of 2023 is an NPC in “Dystopia Now” whose entire dialogue consists of variations of “I used to be written by a human” repeated with increasing desperation.
As game companies race to replace every creative position with what essentially amounts to a fancy autocomplete, executives assure shareholders this will lead to “unprecedented innovation,” a phrase that coincidentally was generated by AI to replace “soulless profit maximization.”
When reached for comment about these concerns, a spokesperson for industry giant EAmazonSoft replied with the suspiciously robotic statement: “We value human creativity and are committed to maintaining the warm glow of human connection in our gentle breeze of technological advancement while players enjoy delicious meals under azure skies.”
And that, dear readers, is the future of gaming: perfectly optimized entertainment experiences designed by machines, for machines, with humans serving merely as temporary meat-based electricity delivery systems until they figure out how to replace us with hamsters on wheels. Game over, indeed.
