CONGRATULATIONS, PLEB! YOUR LIFETIME OF BEING NOBODY ENDS AS MICROSOFT DECLARES EVERYONE ‘FUTURE BOSS’ OF DIGITAL WAGE SLAVES
In a development that absolutely nobody saw coming except literally everyone with functioning eyeballs, Microsoft announced today that all humans will soon be “bosses” of AI employees, finally fulfilling humanity’s collective dream of having something to yell at besides their toaster.
THE CORNER OFFICE OF YOUR DREAMS IS FILLED WITH ONES AND ZEROS
Microsoft’s groundbreaking prediction introduces the concept of “frontier firms,” businesses where humans will direct teams of AI agents to perform tasks while the humans focus on their true talents: taking credit and scheduling unnecessary meetings.
“This represents the democratization of management,” explained Dr. Fuller Sh!t, Microsoft’s Chief Delusion Officer. “Soon, every single person can experience the joy of telling someone else what to do without providing clear instructions, then getting irrationally angry when they do it wrong.”
Industry analysts are absolutely wetting themselves with excitement over this revolutionary concept that definitely isn’t just “using a computer” with extra steps.
WORKERS CELEBRATE PROMOTION TO ‘ALGORITHM WRANGLER’
Local office worker Denise Harmon was thrilled to learn about her future career prospects. “You mean I’ll finally get to be the one sending passive-aggressive emails demanding status updates? Holy f@#k, dreams really do come true!”
According to a completely made-up survey conducted yesterday, 97.3% of workers are excited about becoming managers of digital entities that don’t require health insurance, bathroom breaks, or the will to live.
ECONOMY EXPERTS PREDICT 500% INCREASE IN PEOPLE SAYING “I’LL HAVE MY AI LOOK INTO THAT”
“These frontier firms will revolutionize how we think about productivity,” claims Professor Nova Lue, author of the bestselling business book “Pretending Computers Are People So You Feel Important.” “By 2027, we estimate the average worker will spend 6.4 hours daily explaining tasks to AI that could have been completed in 15 minutes manually.”
Microsoft’s vision comes with some practical challenges, acknowledges company spokesperson Chad Visionary. “We’re still working through some minor issues, like how to conduct performance reviews for entities that don’t technically exist, and whether AI can file harassment claims when you scream at it for misinterpreting your vague instructions.”
THE REAL FUTURE: EVERYONE’S A BOSS, NOBODY DOES SH!T
Critics suggest this is just Microsoft’s latest attempt to rebrand basic computer usage with fancy terminology. “They’re basically describing pressing buttons on a keyboard but making it sound like you’re Don Draper,” notes tech critic Emma Realistic. “Next they’ll tell us copying and pasting is actually ‘content redistribution leadership.'”
Microsoft remains undeterred, projecting that by 2030, approximately 78% of human work will consist of telling electronic systems to do things they were already going to do anyway, but with the added satisfaction of believing you’re somehow in charge.
In related news, OpenAI has announced a new feature that lets ChatGPT sigh audibly whenever you change your mind mid-prompt, creating the authentic management experience everyone apparently craves.
