FURNITURE FINDER CREATES EXISTENTIAL CRISIS FOR LOCAL MAN AS ALGORITHM UNDERSTANDS TASTE BETTER THAN HIS WIFE OF 18 YEARS
Local man Craig Peterson’s marriage hangs by a thread after an MIT-developed shopping assistant correctly assessed that his living room’s “vibe” was “mid-century modern meets functional alcoholism” and not the “rustic farmhouse” aesthetic his wife Deborah has been forcing on him since 2016.
TECH NERDS REINVENT “POINTING AT THINGS” AND WIN OBSCENE AMOUNT OF MONEY
In what experts are calling the “least necessary innovation since pre-sliced peanut butter,” MIT students have developed a system that lets you shop for furniture by waving your arms around and talking to your phone instead of just, you know, going to f@#king IKEA like a normal person.
Alexander Htet Kyaw, a graduate student with apparently too much time on his hands, along with his team of fellow overachievers, created “Curator AI,” which won them $26,000 at a hackathon—a term used to describe when sleep-deprived 20-somethings subsist on Red Bull and desperation to impress venture capitalists.
“Our system takes the dimensions of your room using augmented reality, then lets you verbally describe what furniture you want,” explained Kyaw, who clearly hasn’t considered that most people’s verbal descriptions of furniture include eloquent phrases like “you know, that couch-thingy we saw at Jennifer’s” and “something that hides wine stains.”
NORMAL PEOPLE EVERYWHERE WONDER WHY THIS SH!T KEEPS WINNING PRIZES
Dr. Emma Practicality, Professor of Actually Useful Things at Reality University, offered her assessment: “Look, these students are obviously brilliant, but I can’t help wondering if putting all this brainpower toward climate change or curing diseases might be more worthwhile than helping Karen pick out a f@#king accent chair that complements her chakra.”
The technology also spawned “Estimate,” another app that measures rooms to generate renovation cost estimates, which somehow won an additional $5,000. Sources confirm that contractors everywhere are laughing hysterically at the notion that accurate estimates are even possible in this economy.
BAMBOO-BASED SOLUTION TO REFUGEE CRISIS RAISES UNCOMFORTABLE QUESTIONS ABOUT PRIORITIES
In a whiplash-inducing pivot, the article mentions that Kyaw is also developing deployable bamboo structures for refugees in Myanmar, his home country. This revelation forced our editorial team to immediately cease all snarky comments and acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, there are redeeming aspects to this work.
“This is actually quite noble,” admitted our reluctant editor before immediately adding, “but did we really need to wade through fourteen paragraphs about AR furniture shopping to get to the humanitarian stuff?”
FUTURE OF DESIGN PROMISES TO MAKE ARCHITECTS EVEN MORE INSUFFERABLE
Industry insiders predict the technology will allow architects to gesture wildly in the air while an AI interprets their movements into buildings, effectively eliminating the need to explain their vision to confused clients and contractors.
“Soon I’ll be able to just wave my hands around like I’m having a seizure, and the computer will understand my artistic genius,” said renowned architect Pretentious McTurtleneck, adding that he’s been practicing interpretive dance to prepare for this technological breakthrough.
LOCAL HOMEOWNER GENUINELY FEARFUL OF TECHNOLOGY’S IMPLICATIONS
“First it was the talking speakers listening to my conversations. Now some algorithm is going to judge my taste in throw pillows and suggest I need more ‘cohesion’ in my living space?” said Janet Williams, 43. “I don’t need a silicon snitch telling my husband how much I actually spent on that vase from Pottery Barn.”
According to a completely fabricated study by the Institute of Technological Overreach, approximately
97% of Americans would rather continue making poor design choices on their own than have an AI tell them their sectional sofa is “problematic.”
At press time, Kyaw was reportedly developing a new system that combines AI, AR, and robotics to build objects on demand, which experts predict will be perfect for creating things you absolutely don’t need but will buy anyway because a computer told you they’d look good in your guest bathroom.
