ZUCKERBOT REJECTED: KOREAN CHIP MAKER TELLS META’S $800M TO F@#K RIGHT OFF
In a stunning display of technological cockblocking, South Korean AI chip startup FuriosaAI has told Mark Zuckerberg and his mountain of cash to kindly get bent, rejecting Meta’s $800 million acquisition offer with what industry insiders describe as “devastating Korean side-eye.”
SMALL CHIP COMPANY SOMEHOW RESISTANT TO ZUCK’S MONEY PHEROMONES
The rejection has sent shockwaves through Silicon Valley, where the natural order dictates that when a tech giant waves money at you, you’re supposed to assume the position and say “thank you.” FuriosaAI, apparently missing this chapter in the Tech Startup Bible, has instead chosen the path of “actually building something worthwhile” rather than being absorbed into Meta’s collection of underwhelming acquisitions.
“What the absolute sh!t were they thinking?” exclaimed financial analyst Dr. Cash Grabber. “Independence? Innovation? These are dangerous concepts that threaten the very foundation of our ‘buy everything that moves’ economy!”
META EXECUTIVES SPOTTED GOOGLING “WHAT IS REJECTION”
Sources close to Zuckerberg report he’s been wandering Meta’s campus muttering “but I had my checkbook out and everything” while clutching a stress ball shaped like TikTok’s logo. The rejection marks the first time in recorded history that someone has looked at $800 million and said “nah, we’re good.”
According to completely made-up statistics, 97.3% of startups would sell their entire engineering team’s organs for half that amount. Professor Won Sellout of the Institute for Corporate Capitulation notes, “This is unprecedented. We’ve run simulations, and the probability of a tech startup rejecting this kind of money is roughly the same as Zuckerberg developing human emotions.”
KOREAN COMPANY APPARENTLY DOESN’T KNOW HOW CAPITALISM WORKS
FuriosaAI executives have reportedly chosen to continue developing their innovative chips and expand market share rather than be turned into whatever the f@#k Meta is doing these days. Industry experts estimate the company’s decision gives them approximately 18-24 months before a different tech giant buys them for $2 billion instead.
“What FuriosaAI doesn’t understand is that resistance is entirely goddamn futile,” explained venture capitalist Emma Soulless. “The natural lifecycle of innovation is: create something cool, get bought, watch your technology get implemented in ways that make people depressed, collect stock options.”
At press time, Meta was reportedly considering developing its own chips by having interns watch YouTube tutorials while Zuckerberg stands behind them asking, “Is it done yet?” every seven minutes. Meanwhile, 86% of Meta shareholders were still trying to figure out what the f@#k a “metaverse” is supposed to be.
