FORMER OPENAI EXEC RAISES $12B TO BUILD MYSTERY TECH WHILE EVERYONE ASSUMES IT CONTAINS ACTUAL MAGIC
Mira Murati Secures $2B in Funding by Whispering “Multimodal AI” to Rich People
INVESTORS JUST CAN’T STOP THROWING MONEY AT PEOPLE WHO ONCE SAT NEAR SAM ALTMAN
In what financial experts are calling “the greatest goddamn magic trick since Bernie Madoff,” former OpenAI CTO Mira Murati has secured an additional $2 billion in funding for her startup Thinking Machine Labs, bringing its total valuation to a mind-numbing $12 billion despite having no product, no service, and approximately jack sh!t to show for it besides a LinkedIn page.
“We’re building something revolutionary with a major open-source component,” Murati announced, using the precise combination of buzzwords that causes venture capitalists to experience spontaneous orgasms and reach for their checkbooks.
INVESTORS EXPLAIN THEIR DECISION-MAKING PROCESS
Dr. Hugh G. Investment, managing partner at Cash Cannon Capital, explained the firm’s reasoning: “Look, she worked at OpenAI and wore the same oxygen molecules as Sam Altman. That’s enough for us to bet several billion dollars. Our due diligence consisted of asking if she knew what ‘multimodal’ meant, and when she said yes, we immediately wired the money.”
Financial analyst Regina Phalange notes that Thinking Machine Labs has achieved what industry insiders call the “Holy F@#king Trinity” of startup fundraising: “No product, vague promises, and having previously worked at a famous company. It’s like printing money, except you don’t even need the printer.”
THE SECRET SAUCE
Sources close to the company reveal that Thinking Machine Labs’ revolutionary technology primarily consists of:
1. A PowerPoint presentation with the words “AI” and “Future” in Helvetica font
2. A whiteboard with mysterious equations that are actually just the quadratic formula written in different colors
3. Several expensive office chairs
4. A water cooler that dispenses sparkling water
“The technology is so advanced we don’t even understand it ourselves,” confessed an anonymous employee. “But that’s how you know it’s good.”
WHAT EXPERTS SAY
Professor Obvious Truth from the Institute of Stating the Bleeding Obvious explained: “This is quite literally the most perfect example of Silicon Valley’s ‘vibes-based economy’ I’ve ever seen. According to our research, 97.8% of investors admitted they invested because ‘she seems smart’ and ‘what if this is the next OpenAI and I miss out?'”
Industry statistics show that startups founded by former employees of successful companies have a 42.0% chance of success, which rounds up to 100% if you’re bad at math like most investors.
THE PRODUCT LAUNCH TIMELINE
When pressed about when the public might actually see a product, Murati responded with what analysts describe as “masterful ambiguity.”
“We’ll be sharing something in the next couple of months,” she said, using the same tone parents use when telling their children they might go to Disney World someday.
Technology consultant Dr. Idon Tcare estimates that the actual product, when eventually released, will have approximately a 78% chance of being “just another f@#king chatbot with a slightly different user interface.”
COMPETITOR REACTION
Meanwhile, other AI companies are scrambling to respond. OpenAI CEO Sam Altman was reportedly seen muttering “I taught her too well” while stress-eating avocado toast. Google’s Demis Hassabis simply sighed and continued adding more colored balls to his DeepMind logo.
THE BOTTOM LINE
With $12 billion in valuation and still no product, Thinking Machine Labs has achieved an impressive $∞ cost-per-customer ratio, setting a new industry benchmark for companies valued entirely on hopes, dreams, and someone’s previous employer.
As of press time, seventeen other former OpenAI janitors had secured $500 million each for their own AI startups, one of which is literally just a Magic 8-Ball with “AI-powered” written on it in Sharpie.
