Former Google CEO Shocked To Learn Bad People Might Do Bad Things
Former Google CEO Eric Schmidt, a man who spent two decades profiting off the unchecked expansion of global technology, has now—just now—realized that bad actors could use AI for, wait for it, bad things.
In a groundbreaking revelation that no one could have possibly seen coming, Schmidt declared that rogue states like North Korea, Iran, and Russia (but absolutely not the U.S. or its allies, never that) might leverage AI to “harm innocent people.” Experts were reportedly stunned, asking, “You mean like how governments have used literally every other technology ever invented?”
Schmidt, who helped turn Google into one of the largest data-collecting machines in human history, told BBC Radio 4 that AI could be used to create weapons capable of biological attacks. “It’s almost like powerful technology can be used for both good and evil,” he mused, presumably between sips of artisanal billionaire coffee. “Who could’ve predicted this? Certainly not the people who spent decades developing it with little to no oversight.”
Technology ethicists, who have been screaming into the void for years, were seen collectively banging their heads against walls. “Oh, now he’s concerned?” said Dr. Linda Nichols, an AI security researcher. “The same guy who helped build an ad-driven surveillance economy, and now he’s worried someone might misuse technology? Incredible.”
Schmidt assured listeners that the solution likely lies in, you guessed it, private sector innovation. “I think governments should regulate AI carefully, but let’s not forget who really understands this technology—Silicon Valley billionaires with impressive yachts,” he added. Sources suggest his suggested regulations may also conveniently not interfere with any multibillion-dollar AI investments currently generating overwhelming profits.
At press time, rogue states were allegedly still being rogue, Schmidt had returned to his very secure penthouse, and a group of random tech bros on Reddit had confidently declared that AI would fix itself, once it “gets smarter.”
