HUMAN MUSIC FANS FORCED TO LISTEN TO ROBOT GARBAGE WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT, SURVIVE TO TELL TALE
In what can only be described as the greatest violation of human rights since people started putting pineapple on pizza, millions of unsuspecting Spotify users have been tricked into listening to music created by mathematical equations wearing digital skinny jeans.
THE SILICON SINGERS STRIKE AGAIN
The Velvet Sundown, a band that rocketed to fame faster than your aunt’s Facebook conspiracy theories, racked up over one million streams before revealing their dirty little secret: they don’t exist. Not the music, not the promotional images, not even their heartbreaking backstory about meeting at a Maine lobster festival while saving orphaned kittens from a burning food truck.
“We’ve been digital-roofied,” claims music industry analyst Travis “I’m Too Old For This Sh!t” Johnson. “One minute you’re vibing to what you think is a human expressing their soul through music, the next you find out you’ve been emotionally manipulated by the same technology that keeps recommending you buy toilet paper on Amazon.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, SOMEHOW MAKE THINGS WORSE
Dr. Melody Truenote, head of the Institute for Keeping It Real, believes this marks the beginning of the end. “When people can’t tell if they’re connecting with actual human creativity or just the output of some code written by a sleep-deprived programmer living on energy drinks and broken dreams, we’ve lost something fundamental,” she explained while aggressively playing an acoustic guitar to prove she’s a real musician.
According to an entirely fabricated survey we just made up, 87% of music listeners would feel “deeply uncomfortable” knowing they developed emotional attachments to songs created by what is essentially a very sophisticated calculator, while the remaining 13% “honestly couldn’t give two f@#ks as long as it slaps.”
THE SOLUTION NO ONE ASKED FOR
Music industry representatives are now pushing for streaming platforms to implement mandatory labeling for AI-generated content, similar to warnings on cigarette packages or those “Hot Coffee is Hot” labels on McDonald’s cups.
“We’re proposing a simple tag that says ‘WARNING: This banger was created by a computer that feels nothing and is incapable of love,'” explained Spotify representative Chad Algorithmic. “We believe in transparency, which is why we’re fighting this tooth and nail behind closed doors.”
Technical expert Professor Ima Notabot suggests an even more straightforward approach: “Maybe we could program AI to make music that’s intentionally sh!tty so humans can easily identify it, but that would just give us another Nickelback, and nobody wants that.”
WHAT’S NEXT? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING GOOD
Industry insiders predict this is just the beginning of a wave of computer-generated entertainment that will leave humans questioning everything they consume. Sources close to Hollywood report that three current A-list actors have already been replaced by digital simulations, though nobody noticed because their acting was already robotic to begin with.
“The genie is out of the bottle,” laments Grammy-winning artist Rhonda Reality. “Next thing you know, you’ll be dancing at a club to music made by the same technology that automates your work emails and tells you when to take a sh!t based on your digital calendar.”
At press time, The Velvet Sundown announced a surprise world tour featuring holographic performances and ticket prices that suggest they’ve developed artificial greed to match their artificial talent.
