FASHION FLIRTS WITH DIGITAL DOPPELGÄNGERS AS H&M PROMISES TO ONLY F@#K OVER MODELS WHO CONSENT FIRST
In what industry insiders are calling “exploitation with extra steps,” clothing giant H&M announced plans to create AI replicas of 30 real models, promising to only use these digital clones after receiving permission from the flesh-based originals they’re replacing.
SILICONE VALLEY MEETS RUNWAY VALLEY
H&M’s chief creative officer Jörgen Andersson, who definitely doesn’t own stock in any AI companies, assured the public this development would “enhance our creative process” while “fundamentally not changing our human-centric approach in any way,” except for the small detail of eventually eliminating the need for actual humans.
“It’s basically like asking someone if you can make a copy of their house key,” explained Dr. Obvious Exploitation, a fashion ethics expert we completely made up. “Sure, they say yes today, but tomorrow you’re sleeping in their bed and wearing their clothes while they’re left wondering how to pay rent.”
CONSENT NOW, STARVE LATER
Fashion industry analysts predict that by 2026, approximately 87.3% of all fashion models will be replaced by what they’re calling “hunger-free alternatives” that never complain about working conditions or require pesky human necessities like food and bathroom breaks.
“I’m totally fine with my AI twin taking some of my workload,” said one model who asked to remain anonymous because she enjoys having a career. “I mean, what could possibly go wrong when I sign away my likeness to a multinational corporation that’s primarily motivated by cutting costs?”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON DIGITAL DISPLACEMENT
Professor Capitalism Winsagain from the Institute of Technological Unemployment notes that this is just the latest example of industries finding innovative ways to eliminate their human workforce.
“It’s quite brilliant really,” Winsagain explained while digitally scanning our reporter’s face without permission. “First you convince workers to create their own replacements, then you gradually phase them out while keeping just enough humans around to make it seem like you still care about people. We call this the ‘boil the frog slowly’ approach to workforce decimation.”
THE FUTURE IS PIXEL-PERFECT AND PAYCHECK-FREE
Industry statistics show that digital models are 100% less likely to demand fair wages, develop eating disorders from industry pressure, or age out of their careers at the ancient age of 25. They’re also infinitely more willing to pose in ridiculous outfits that actual humans would rightfully question.
H&M spokesperson Artificial Sincerity insists this is just the beginning of an exciting partnership between carbon-based professionals and their pixel-perfect replacements. When asked if models would receive royalties every time their digital twin is used, Sincerity laughed so hard she temporarily crashed her programming.
As the fashion world embraces this brave new approach to modeling, one question remains: when H&M finally replaces all its models with AI versions, will anyone even notice the difference between the dead-eyed digital creations and the equally starved and soulless human versions they’re based on?
