Family Desperately Searches for FBI’s “Investigative Abilities” in Their Mythical Apparent Non-Existence
In a plot twist that reads like a rejected script for a detective series, the family of Suchir Balaji, the late OpenAI whistleblower, have embarked on a mystical quest: to discover if the FBI has any real investigative skills based on the unexplained phenomena known as his untimely death. The police department of San Francisco, traditionally known more for their obsession with sourdough than actual sleuthing, appears to be flummoxed by the multifaceted nature of this case, likely translating ‘multifaceted’ to mean, “Let’s just sweep it under the rug.”
As friends and family gathered for Balaji’s vigil, Poornima Ramarao greeted them with the kind of feigned serenity you often see in politicians promising tax cuts: more vacant than an influencer’s autobiography. “I am not grieving,” she confided, with the kind of heartwarming numbness usually reserved for people who just watched the season finale of a reality TV show. For Poornima, faced with the complexity of multiple agencies vying for the title of “Least Competent,” this numbness is a natural, celebrated evolution akin to emotional Botox.
Experts suggest an FBI investigation could, in theory, ‘uncomplicate the un-investigatable,’ in much the same way a kale smoothie might start a car. San Francisco Police, on the other hand, were last seen scratching their heads—one officer was reportedly caught on camera referencing obsolete technologies in his appeals, saying, “First, we’ll need to reboot our Windows 95.” As such, Balaji’s family has resolved to place the burden of hope on the FBI, akin to giving your aunt who always forgets your birthday the responsibility of organizing your wedding.
In a statement steeped with the reassuring irony we’ve come to love, an FBI spokesperson promised to “look into it,” which in layman’s terms is roughly equivalent to five blinks of a bureaucratic eye. And if their past performance is anything to go by, this endeavor will magically transform into a “misplaced file” or “misunderstood memo” within three to five business decades.
Friends of Balaji hope that truth will one day emerge from this paper mountain, though skeptics argue that expecting genuine results from any sort of governmental inquest is about as hopeful as thinking your cat might start paying rent. Meanwhile, Poornima has resorted to staged sit-ins outside the San Francisco police department, where she’s been officially advised by doctors that continual eye rolling can cause permanent damage—but honestly, in this scenario, who could blame her?
It remains to be seen if FBI will actually manage to decipher this enigma or if they’ll just add it to the growing pile of unsolved mysteries like who stole that last donut from the breakroom. Stay tuned as we await developments that are sure to be as slow-paced as legislative reform or molasses in winter.
