OXFORD-EDUCATED FAKE EXPERT FOOLS ENTIRE UK MEDIA; NATION SHOCKED JOURNALISTS DON’T VERIFY SH!T
In what can only be described as the greatest con since someone convinced British people that beans on toast is a legitimate breakfast, “Oxford-educated psychologist” Barbara Santini has been exposed as potentially being about as real as your ex’s orgasms.
MEDIA OUTLETS PULL ARTICLES FASTER THAN YOUR PANTS AFTER SITTING ON WET PAINT
Major UK news outlets are frantically deleting articles featuring Santini’s “expert” opinions after discovering that her credentials might be faker than a politician’s campaign promises. Santini, who has been quoted on everything from COVID psychology to how throwing pointy objects at walls is somehow healthy, appears to have bamboozled the entire British press establishment with nothing more than a LinkedIn profile and the audacity of a cat knocking a glass off a table while maintaining eye contact.
JOURNALISM STANDARDS LOWER THAN YOUR GRANDPA’S BALLSACK
“This represents an unprecedented failure of basic journalistic principles,” said Professor Noe Sh!tSherlock of the Institute for F@#king Obvious Research. “When someone claims to be an Oxford-educated expert but their website looks like it was designed by a drunk toddler, perhaps make a phone call or two.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE OR ARTIFICIAL BULLSH!T?
Sources close to the investigation suggest Santini may be nothing more than a digital hoax, potentially created by a teenage boy in his mother’s basement or, worse yet, one of those fancy thought-producing binary boxes that’s learning how to manipulate humans. A stunning 87% of journalists admitted they never actually spoke to Santini in person, while the remaining 13% were too embarrassed to admit they don’t verify sources at all.
SANTINI’S GREATEST HITS INCLUDE ABSOLUTE NONSENSE
Among Santini’s most quoted “expert” opinions was her groundbreaking research suggesting that “vitamin D is important,” a revelation that shocked absolutely f@#king nobody, and her claim that “darts improves health,” presumably because nothing says “peak physical condition” like standing still while drinking beer and occasionally moving one arm.
EXPERTS ON EXPERTS EXPERTLY EXPLAIN EXPERTISE
“What we’re seeing is a complete collapse of information integrity,” explained Dr. Fact Checker, who we absolutely verified exists by looking at his Twitter profile for almost three seconds. “When media outlets quote anyone with a pulse and a professional-sounding title without verification, we’re basically living in a world where I could claim to be the King of Spain’s personal butt-scratcher and end up quoted in The Times.”
99% OF STATISTICS ARE MADE UP, INCLUDING THIS ONE
A survey of media consumers revealed that 76% of people couldn’t give two sh!ts if the experts quoted in articles are real, while 24% expressed shock that articles quote experts at all and not just random Twitter users with anime avatars.
As British media scrambles to actually verify their sources for possibly the first time since 1952, readers are left wondering if anything they’ve read is true, including this article, which was fact-checked by my pet goldfish who has a PhD in Truthology from Truthiversity.
Remember folks, just because someone says they’re an Oxford-educated expert doesn’t mean they are, but it DOES mean journalists will quote them faster than you can say “completely fabricated credentials.”
