SKYNET’S LATEST UPDATE: YOUR WORK EMAILS NOW READ BY FAKE MEDIEVAL KNIGHT WITH SPEECH IMPEDIMENT

In a move that screams “we’ve run out of useful ideas,” OpenAI announced today that their digital minions have been granted the gift of gab, allowing users to have their professional correspondence interpreted by historically inaccurate roleplayers with questionable accents.

THE FUTURE IS STUPID AND WE’RE ALL PAYING FOR IT

OpenAI’s latest update to GPT-4o enables text-to-speech and speech-to-text capabilities, meaning your important quarterly reports can now be read aloud by what the company describes as a “medieval knight,” but what experts identify as “some dude who watched two episodes of Game of Thrones and thinks he knows how people talked in 1300.”

“This is a f@#king game-changer,” claimed Dr. Pointless Innovation, OpenAI’s Chief Unnecessary Features Officer. “Imagine having your termination notice delivered by a pirate voice, or your sexual harassment policy explained by what sounds like a drunk Victorian chimney sweep.”

CORPORATE AMERICA COLLECTIVELY LOSES ITS SH!T

Business leaders are reportedly thrilled about the development, with 97.3% of CEOs surveyed saying they “absolutely needed” this feature and “couldn’t possibly continue running multi-billion dollar enterprises without it.”

“Before this breakthrough, I had to read my own emails like some kind of peasant,” explained Brenda Worthington, VP of Making Simple Things Complicated at MegaTech Industries. “Now I can have them read to me by what sounds like a Renaissance Faire reject who’s three mead horns deep into his shift.”

INNOVATION OR DISTRACTION FROM ACTUAL PROBLEMS? YES!

The update comes as users have been begging for improvements to the system’s hallucination issues, factual accuracy, and tendency to make sh!t up with supreme confidence. OpenAI responded by giving its algorithms funny voices instead.

“We heard our users loud and clear when they asked for more reliable outputs,” said Chip Distraction, OpenAI’s Head of Ignoring Customer Feedback. “And we interpreted that as ‘please let me hear my shopping list read by someone doing a terrible impression of Monty Python’s Holy Grail.'”

According to totally real internal documents, OpenAI is already working on video capabilities, with plans to have important video calls interpreted by what they describe as “a CGI raccoon in a business suit” and “a talking potato that somehow looks like your disappointed father.”

EXPERTS WARN OF POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES, NOBODY GIVES A F@#K

Professor Cassandra Truthbomb from the Institute for Obvious Predictions warns there could be unforeseen consequences.

“When future historians document the collapse of human civilization, this will be chapter one: ‘The Day We Let Fake Knights Read Our Emails,'” Truthbomb explained. “Also, 82% of users will absolutely use this to make the computer say dirty words within the first five minutes.”

At press time, OpenAI was reportedly developing additional voices including “Surfer Bro,” “Disapproving Mother-in-Law,” and “Guy Who’s Way Too Into Cryptocurrency,” ensuring that no professional communication will ever be taken seriously again.