FAKE HUMANS COMPANY PAYS REAL IMAGES FIRM FOR MORE CONVINCING DIGITAL MEAT PUPPETS
Synthesia, the $2 billion British startup known for making AI-generated people who don’t question their existence, has struck a deal with Shutterstock that’s raising eyebrows faster than their digital avatars can blink unnaturally.
CORPORATE AMERICA DEMANDS MORE REALISTIC FAKE PEOPLE
In what industry insiders are calling “peak late-stage capitalism,” Synthesia will now pay Shutterstock an undisclosed fortune to use its vast library of corporate video footage, allowing their digital homunculi to mimic human expressions with even more terrifying accuracy.
“We’re aiming for avatars so realistic that they’ll make your actual coworkers look like the emotionally stunted weirdos they truly are,” said Victor Fauxman, Synthesia’s Chief Reality Distortion Officer. “Soon you won’t be able to tell if Karen from accounting is a flesh person or just a particularly lifelike arrangement of pixels. That’s the dream!”
EXPERTS QUESTION HUMANITY’S DESPERATE NEED TO CREATE DIGITAL CLONES THAT LOOK DEAD INSIDE
Dr. Irma Notreal, professor of Existential Business Ethics at Make-Believe University, expressed concerns about the partnership. “What the f@#k are we even doing as a society? We’ve created millions of actual humans who need jobs, yet we’re spending billions to create fake humans who don’t need healthcare or bathroom breaks? Holy sh!t, it’s like we’re TRYING to make the plot of ‘The Matrix’ happen.”
Studies show approximately 87% of corporate videos already feature real humans who appear to be held hostage, raising questions about what improvements AI can actually offer.
THE UNCANNY VALLEY JUST GOT A F@#KING SWIMMING POOL
Shutterstock representatives defended the deal, noting that their footage of corporate professionals pointing at invisible charts and nodding thoughtfully at nothing will help train algorithms to replicate the soulless essence of modern business communication.
“Our footage captures that special dead-eyed enthusiasm unique to people pretending to be excited about quarterly projections,” said Shutterstock spokesperson Penny Stock. “Now AI avatars can perfect that ‘I’m smiling but my eyes are screaming for help’ look that’s essential for corporate communication.”
According to industry analyst Rich Datastein, the partnership makes perfect sense: “Companies already treat employees like replaceable assets, so why not just replace them with actual digital assets? It’s efficiency!”
When asked if the technology might eventually eliminate jobs for real human actors in corporate videos, Synthesia’s spokesperson replied, “Absolutely not,” while simultaneously uploading the entire conversation to their training database.
At press time, Synthesia was reportedly developing a new feature allowing their avatars to look slightly hungover during Monday morning presentations, finally achieving the ultimate goal of digital humanity.
