SYNTHETIC CELEBS SHOCKINGLY ‘DIDDY-MAXED’ BY ALGORITHM GRIFTERS IN DIGITAL HELLSCAPE
Desperate Nerds Generate Fake Celebrity Sex Tapes With Home Computers, Make Enough Money To Fill Diddy’s Swimming Pool
DIGITAL SEWER RATS STRIKE GOLD
In what experts are calling “the most predictable f@#king disaster since giving toddlers permanent markers,” YouTube has become a cesspool of AI-generated videos falsely claiming to show various A-listers engaging in activities with Sean “Diddy” Combs that would make even Satan say, “Whoa there, buddy.”
These completely fabricated videos have racked up tens of millions of views, allowing their creators to earn what financial analysts estimate is “enough money to make an honest person vomit their own soul.”
“It’s actually brilliant if you remove all moral considerations, which apparently everyone has,” explains Dr. Selina Profitz, head of Digital Ethics at the Institute for Oh My God We’re All Doomed. “These content sewage merchants have discovered they can simply make sh!t up about celebrities, render it with technology that costs less than a decent haircut, and rake in more cash than most essential workers make in a year.”
THE ALGORITHM DEMANDS SACRIFICE
The videos typically feature celebrities who likely couldn’t pick Diddy out of a lineup suddenly confessing to wild parties that definitely never happened. One video showing Taylor Swift admitting she once attended a “Diddy gathering” where guests were served “special juice” garnered 8.2 million views despite the fact that the AI-Swift’s mouth moved like she was chewing invisible taffy while speaking.
YouTube’s response has been characteristically robust, with a spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous stating: “We’re definitely looking into this situation with the same urgency we bring to all our content moderation, which is why you’ll see these videos disappear sometime between now and the heat death of the universe.”
VIEWERS SOMEHOW SURPRISED THAT BULLSH!T IS BULLSH!T
Perhaps most shocking is that viewers continue falling for videos where celebrities appear to be speaking from inside what looks like a melting wax museum.
“I was completely convinced it was really Brad Pitt confessing that he and Diddy once kidnapped the entire cast of Friends for a weekend in Tijuana,” said internet user BelieveAnything42, “even though his face occasionally morphed into what appeared to be a sentient ham sandwich during emotional moments.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH OBVIOUS STATEMENTS
Professor Duh McObvious from Harvard’s Department of Things Everyone Already Knows explains: “These videos exploit a fascinating cognitive weakness where humans will believe literally anything if it confirms their suspicions about celebrities they’ve never met.”
YouTube’s monetization policies have created the perfect storm where truth is less valuable than engagement. Internal documents reveal the platform’s secret algorithm, which reportedly consists of a trained monkey throwing darts at a board labeled “promote” and “ignore” with “promote” covering 97% of the surface.
A SYMPTOM OF SOCIETAL BRAIN ROT
“We’re seeing the culmination of decades of celebrity worship combined with plummeting critical thinking skills and technology that lets any basement-dwelling moron create ‘evidence’ of whatever fever dream they had last night,” says sociologist Dr. Ima Pessimist.
According to a study that we just made up, approximately 73% of viewers who watch these videos will share them without question, while 27% will leave comments expressing skepticism like “seems legit” or the ever-popular “big if true.”
YouTube parent company Google has pledged to address the issue by implementing stricter content guidelines by early 2037 or whenever their competitors develop similar technology, whichever comes last.
Until then, experts recommend adopting the revolutionary strategy of “not believing every f@#king thing you see on the internet,” though early trials suggest this approach may be too complicated for most users.
In related news, a just-uploaded AI video showing Diddy and Elvis planning the moon landing hoax has already reached 12 million views, proving once again that in the attention economy, bulls#!t will always be our most valuable natural resource.
