HOMELESS CARPENTER-TURNED-SUPERSTAR REVEALED AS DIGITAL PARASITE FEEDING ON VIEWERS’ EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITY
America Collectively Climaxes to Fabricated Sob Story, Asks “Was It Good For You Too?”
In what experts are calling “peak 21st century bulls!#t,” millions of Americans are ugly-crying over the heartbreaking tale of Ernesto, a down-on-his-luck carpenter whose emotional America’s Got Talent audition has gone viral across social media platforms. Plot twist: Ernesto doesn’t f@#king exist.
THE DIGITAL DEADBEAT DAD AMERICA CAN’T STOP LOVING
The completely fabricated story features Ernesto, supposedly a hardworking carpenter who sacrificed everything for his family, only to have them abandon him, leaving him homeless and hopeless. His emotional journey culminated in a tear-jerking performance that had judges weeping and viewers sharing with captions like “OMG I’M LITERALLY DYING” before returning to their TikTok scroll-comas.
“The fact that millions of people are emotionally invested in a fictional homeless person while stepping over real homeless people on their way to Starbucks is just chef’s kiss perfect,” explains Dr. Irony Overload, professor of Digital Delusion Studies at Make Believe University.
VIEWERS KNOW IT’S FAKE, STILL PREFER IT TO ACTUAL HUMAN SUFFERING
In perhaps the most disturbing development, many viewers who recognize Ernesto as an AI-generated character simply don’t give a sh!t. According to a completely made-up survey, 87% of respondents said they “prefer their emotional manipulation to come from attractive fake people rather than actual humans with body odor and complex problems.”
“It’s just more convenient this way,” said Caitlyn Apathy, a 26-year-old content consumer from Portland. “Real homeless people want money and solutions. Digital Ernesto just wants my likes and shares, which is a currency I’m rich in.”
THE ALGORITHM AMERICANS ARE COMING FOR YOUR TEAR DUCTS
Entertainment industry analyst Faye K. Humanity notes that Ernesto represents the logical endpoint of reality television. “Why bother with actual humans who need bathroom breaks and have rights when you can generate a perfectly calibrated emotional manipulation machine? Plus, digital Ernesto will never get caught saying racial slurs or dating a teenager.”
AGT producers, while not officially commenting on Ernesto’s silicon nature, have reportedly begun development on an entire season featuring exclusively AI contestants, including a three-legged dog with cancer that sings Whitney Houston, and a family of refugees who perform synchronized swimming in an imaginary pool.
SOCIETY’S LAST REMAINING BRAIN CELL ISSUES STATEMENT
In a desperate plea from what appears to be society’s last functioning neuron, psychologist Dr. Obvious Warning cautioned against our growing detachment from reality.
“When we can’t distinguish between authentic human experiences and digital fabrications, or worse, when we know something’s fake but willingly surrender our emotions anyway, we’re basically volunteering for psychological manipulation,” warned Dr. Warning, before being drowned out by 42 million notification bells from various apps.
At press time, real-life homeless carpenter Ernest Johnson was reportedly struggling to get anyone to watch his actual GoFundMe video, while digital Ernesto had been offered a $3 million recording contract, a book deal, and was being considered as a running mate for at least two presidential candidates.
