FACEBOOK FOUNDER ACCIDENTALLY SWIPES RIGHT ON ENTIRE AUSTRALIAN LITERARY CANON, AUTHORS DEMAND PRENUP
In a shocking revelation that has the literary world reaching for their smelling salts and their lawyers, Meta, the company that convinced your aunt her high school boyfriend is still relevant, has been caught with its digital pants down after allegedly using pirated Australian books to train its AI systems.
MARK ZUCKERBERG REPORTEDLY CLAIMS “READING BOOKS IS JUST SCROLLING BUT WITH EXTRA STEPS”
Australian authors woke up this morning to discover their literary babies had been intellectually fondled by Facebook’s algorithm without so much as a “how do you do.” The works of former prime ministers Malcolm Turnbull and John Howard were reportedly included in the data heist, proving that even the most sleep-inducing political memoirs aren’t safe from Meta’s insatiable data appetite.
AUSTRALIAN WRITERS DISCOVER THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN NOT BEING READ IS BEING READ BY A MACHINE
“I feel violated in ways I can’t even begin to articulate,” said journalist Tracey Spicer, whose work was allegedly included in Meta’s literary buffet. “And I’m someone who literally articulates things for a living.”
Meta spokesperson Chip Dataworth defended the company’s actions: “Look, we just wanted our AI to sound less like a socially awkward teenager and more like a well-read socially awkward teenager.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, IMMEDIATELY REGRET DECISION
Dr. Paige Turner, head of Digital Ethics at the University of Common Sense, explained the situation: “What we’re seeing is essentially the literary equivalent of breaking into someone’s house, photocopying their diary, then using it to teach a robot how to impersonate them at family reunions.”
According to completely fabricated statistics from the Institute of Made Up Numbers, approximately 97.3% of all authors now sleep with one eye open and a copyright lawyer on speed dial.
ZUCKERBERG REPORTEDLY CONFUSED BY CONCEPT OF “ASKING PERMISSION”
Internal documents suggest Meta executives were genuinely perplexed by the backlash. “Wait, people want to be ASKED before we take their intellectual property? Next you’ll tell me users don’t want us selling their personal data to shady marketing firms!” read one leaked email that we absolutely didn’t make up just now.
Professor Copyrightia Infringement from Harvard’s Department of Obvious Legal Violations noted, “This is what happens when tech bros who skipped liberal arts classes try to teach computers about humanity. It’s like asking someone who’s never seen a cow to explain what milk tastes like.”
AUSTRALIAN GOVERNMENT RESPONDS BY FORMING COMMITTEE TO SCHEDULE MEETING ABOUT POTENTIAL TASKFORCE
In response to the crisis, the Australian government has promised swift action, scheduling an emergency meeting for sometime in 2027 to discuss preliminary options for considering the formation of a committee.
Meanwhile, Meta’s AI continues to improve its literary capabilities, and sources claim it has already written seven mediocre novels about privileged thirty-somethings having existential crises in Melbourne coffee shops.
When reached for comment, Meta’s AI itself responded with what appeared to be an original statement but was actually just plagiarized sentences from “Pride and Prejudice” with the words “digital innovation” randomly inserted every third paragraph.
As this scandal unfolds, one thing becomes painfully clear: in the digital age, “I have not read and agree to the Terms and Conditions” has finally found its literary equivalent, and Australian authors are f@#king livid about it.
