NARCISSISTIC MORTALS ECSTATIC AS NEW AI TELLS THEM EXACTLY HOW BADLY THEY’RE AGING
In a breakthrough moment for humanity’s collective vanity, scientists have unveiled FaceAge, the world’s first selfie-based judgment system designed specifically to crush your self-esteem with mathematical precision.
FINALLY, SOMETHING WORSE THAN YOUR BATHROOM MIRROR
The revolutionary new technology requires just one photo to calculate exactly how many years of poor life choices, sun damage, and white wine spritzers are etched into your increasingly disappointing face. Users everywhere are reportedly “f@#king thrilled” to have a silicon-based truth rectangle quantify their physical deterioration.
“We’ve essentially created a digital aunt who will tell you that you look tired, but with scientific backing,” explained Dr. Wrinkle Counter, lead developer and self-described “destroyer of confidence” at FaceAge. “Our algorithm doesn’t just analyze facial features; it also detects the faint scent of desperation in your eyes as you take your seventeenth selfie trying to find a flattering angle.”
HOW IT WORKS (SPOILER: IT JUDGES YOU)
The technology works by scanning 347 points on your increasingly saggy face, comparing them to data collected from 12 million other aging humans, then calculating precisely how far you’ve strayed from society’s impossible beauty standards.
According to recent studies, approximately 94.7% of users immediately purchased at least $278 worth of anti-aging products within seven minutes of receiving their biological age assessment. The remaining 5.3% reportedly threw their phones into various large bodies of water.
EXPERTS PREDICT SOCIETAL BENEFITS OR WHATEVER
“This is exactly what humanity needed right now,” insisted Professor Ida Rather Die, social psychologist at the University of Obvious Consequences. “With climate change, economic inequality, and political instability threatening our existence, people can now focus on what truly matters: whether their crow’s feet make them look 43 instead of 38.”
Market research indicates FaceAge will generate approximately $3.7 billion in revenue this year alone, primarily from users paying the premium fee to receive their results privately rather than having them automatically posted to all social media platforms.
EMOTIONAL DAMAGE NOW AVAILABLE ON SUBSCRIPTION BASIS
For just $19.99 monthly, users can access the “Reality Check” premium tier, which includes daily notifications about specific facial features that are aging particularly poorly.
“Yesterday it told me my left eyelid had the elasticity of a 67-year-old leather couch, and I’ve never felt more motivated to live my best life,” enthused early adopter Jessica Morenson, 34 (biological age 51), while applying her ninth layer of retinol. “I’m thinking of getting it tattooed on my forehead as a conversation starter.”
FaceAge developers are already working on their next product: BodyAge, which promises to tell users exactly how disappointed their ancestors would be with their current physical condition based on a simple full-body scan.
At press time, 97% of dermatologists were reportedly updating their LinkedIn profiles to include “facial trauma counselor” as the emotional fallout continues to spread faster than that weird rash you should probably get checked out, which, by the way, is adding about 4.3 years to your biological age.
