ExxonMobil Declares “AI Superiority” by Building World’s Largest Carbon-Powered Data Center to Project More Green Energy Ads
In a groundbreaking revelation that has left environmentalists giggling into their reusable tote bags, ExxonMobil announced plans to construct what it warmly describes as the “largest power plant fuelled by irony,” aiming to satisfy the insatiable needs of data centers that help run AI systems designed to tell us how to combat their own effects.
“We’re choosing to harness the awesome, totally clean energy of fossil fuels to power AI, which will then ironically suggest we cut back on fossil fuel usage,” laughed Rex Gainaway, head of Exxon’s Department of Counterproductive Energy Ventures. “It’s the perfect circle of life—Disney ain’t got nothing on us.”
In stunning yet entirely predictable news that has left onlookers marveling, ExxonMobil promises that the facility will offer a cloud computing experience powered principally by actual clouds of smog. Not without a sense of conviction, the oil behemoth assures its stakeholders that this is a ‘carbon-absorbing’ plan, in case anyone missed the memo on how burning things can somehow lead to capturing them.
Ignoring the cognitive dissonance like a pro, Exxon representatives emphasized the innovative and, dare we say, utterly refreshing concept that involves building a plant that emits carbon to create energy-consuming superminds tasked with figuring out how to reduce carbon emissions. Plans are underway to patent this method under “Environmental Irony Management.”
“It’s like a Sudoku puzzle of doom,” remarked environmental analyst Jenny Beenhad, trying her best to appear serious. “First, we’ll release the carbon, then the AI tells us how to capture it. It’s the kind of strategy you read about in schlocky novels.”
The initiative has taken the environmental community by surprise, much like a surprise party where the surprise is that your house burned down. Climate activists have understandably joked that Exxon’s plan to both cause and solve climate change could spark a new genre of dark comedy that warms the soul—alongside the planet.
In response to criticism, ExxonMobil remains optimistic, stating, “This is the logical step forward. After all, AI needs power, and nothing says power like the raw, unrestrained fury of dead dinosaurs.”
Although irony-deficient, the company swears that their next step is to install solar panels on top of their oil rigs – a promise that lands somewhere between charming naiveté and corporate whimsy. So while AI gets smart off coal, the rest of us can only hope irony isn’t a greenhouse gas.
