YOUNG PEOPLE GOING FOR “EXTRA CRISPY” TAN SETTING DESPITE DEATH BEING LITERAL OUTCOME
In what experts are calling “the dumbest f@#king beauty trend since eating Tide Pods for breakfast,” Gen Z has apparently decided that melanoma is just another aesthetic to achieve on TikTok, embracing “extreme tanning” with the enthusiasm of a lobster jumping into a boiling pot.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS SCREAM INTO VOID AS YOUTH DELIBERATELY COOK THEMSELVES
“It’s like watching someone deliberately stick their hand in a blender because they think scars look edgy,” explains Dr. Melanin O’Cancer, Chief of Dermatology at Look You Absolute Moron Hospital. “Except instead of losing fingers, they’re losing ACTUAL YEARS OF THEIR LIVES.”
The trend has gained such popularity that new terminology has emerged among the youth. Tanners now request specific “doneness levels” from “barely toasted” to “human jerky,” with the most extreme enthusiasts aiming for what they call “full cremation prep.”
MOTHER’S HEARTBREAKING STORY APPARENTLY NOT AS PERSUASIVE AS LOOKING “FIRE” IN BEACH PICS
Despite tragic stories like Ruth Heggarty’s son dying from skin cancer at age 25 after a simple mole turned into a full-body invasion, Gen Z continues to bake themselves with the conviction of people who believe death only happens to others.
“Look, I know cancer is like, bad and stuff,” says 19-year-old influencer Crispy McKrisperson, whose skin resembles a well-worn baseball glove. “But have you seen how many likes my bronze goddess pics get? Totally worth shaving 40 years off my life expectancy.”
DERMATOLOGISTS DEVELOP DRINKING PROBLEM AS PREVENTABLE SKIN CANCER CASES SKYROCKET
According to a completely made-up but emotionally accurate statistic, dermatologists now consume 87% more alcohol than any other medical specialty, with many reporting they’ve taken to screaming into their pillows for 20 minutes each morning before work.
“I spent 12 years in medical school to tell people ‘don’t f@#king burn yourselves on purpose’ and yet here we are,” sighs Dr. Sunny Screen, while applying SPF 5000 to her entire body. “Yesterday I had a patient ask if I could recommend the ‘most cancer-efficient’ tanning bed. I may need a career change.”
FUNERAL HOMES REPORT UPTICK IN “PERFECTLY PRE-TOASTED” CLIENTS
Local mortician Phil D’Grave notes an alarming trend: “These kids come in already halfway to cremation. Saves us time, I guess, but Jesus Christ on a surfboard, what the hell are they thinking?”
When reached for comment, the sun reportedly said, “I’ve been trying to kill you idiots for centuries, and now you’re finally helping? This is too easy, it’s not even fun anymore.”
In related news, coffin manufacturers have begun a new line of products featuring built-in Instagram-worthy lighting and caption suggestions like “Worth it for the glow, lol #NoRegrets #ActuallyLotsOfRegrets #TooLateNow.”
