COLLEGE LOAN STARTUP ACTUALLY JUST ELABORATE PLAN TO TRAP PAKISTANIS IN STUDENT DEBT HELLSCAPE LIKE AMERICANS
In a move that can only be described as “educational colonialism,” MIT graduate Aleena Nadeem has exported America’s most treasured financial parasite – crippling student loan debt – to Pakistan under the suspiciously benevolent-sounding name “EduFi.”
MAKING FINANCIAL NIGHTMARES ACCESSIBLE TO ALL
The revolutionary startup boasts that it’s “democratizing educational debt” by allowing Pakistani families who previously couldn’t qualify for soul-crushing loans to now join the global community of people who wake up at 3am in cold sweats thinking about their payment schedules.
“We saw that only 13 percent of Pakistani students attend college, and thought, ‘How can we pump those numbers up while simultaneously creating a generation of debt-servants?'” said Nadeem, who definitely did not say this but absolutely implied it.
EduFi claims its artificial intelligence credit scoring system approves loans five times faster than traditional banks, proving once again that when it comes to financial decisions that will affect someone’s entire life, having a computer make that decision in seconds is definitely the way to go.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN
“This is honestly f@#king brilliant,” explains Dr. Capital Ishmatic, Professor of Predatory Economics at Loan Shark University. “Americans have perfected the art of disguising lifetime financial servitude as ‘investment in your future.’ Now we’re exporting it! USA! USA!”
The company charges a modest 1.4 percent “service fee,” which financial experts describe as “the first hit is always cheap” and “just the gateway drug to a lifetime of financial products.”
FINANCIAL INNOVATION OR IMPERIALISM WITH EXTRA STEPS?
EduFi has already disbursed half a million dollars in loans during its first six months, with an astonishingly low default rate of less than 1 in 10,000. This is either a miracle of modern financial engineering or clear evidence that Pakistani families will literally sell organs before defaulting on debt.
“We’re helping people who would never qualify for a bank loan,” Nadeem explained, accidentally revealing the entire premise of predatory lending. “And we don’t even require collateral like property or homes!” she added, failing to mention that education itself becomes the collateral when your entire economic future depends on it.
SCALING MISERY GLOBALLY
After successfully trapping pioneering young Pakistanis in debt, EduFi plans to expand its operations to Saudi Arabia and eventually the entire Middle East, in what experts are calling “the most innovative approach to neo-colonialism since Facebook gave ‘free internet’ to developing nations.”
Nadeem has lofty ambitions: “I’m trying to build the SoFi of Pakistan and the Middle East.” Translation: “I’m bringing the American student debt model to countries that haven’t yet experienced the joy of having their educational systems financialized.”
THE FUTURE OF EDUCATIONAL ENSLAVEMENT
When asked about her ultimate vision, Nadeem stated, “Education is the core pillar from which a country stands,” conveniently omitting “and debt is the shackle from which a workforce cannot escape.”
Recent surveys show that 97.3% of EduFi borrowers report feeling both “grateful for the opportunity” and “vaguely uneasy about the consequences of their decision,” which perfectly captures the student loan experience worldwide.
At press time, American student loan servicers were reportedly studying EduFi’s model to learn how to achieve such low default rates, with one executive overheard saying, “Wait, you can make them actually PAY these things back? Write that down, WRITE THAT DOWN!”
