SPREADSHEET SLAVES REJOICE: LOCAL MAN PAYS $35 TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE EXCEL DO HIS JOB WHILE HE WATCHES CAT VIDEOS
By Chad Columnmaker, AI Antics Senior Unemployment Correspondent
LOCAL OFFICE DRONE BECOMES EXCEL DEMIGOD, WILL STILL BE LAID OFF EVENTUALLY
Gary Formulas, a 37-year-old middle manager from Anytown, USA, has reportedly spent $35 on an Excel course bundle that promises to transform him from “completely f@#king useless with computers” to “basically the next Bill Gates but with better hair.”
The comprehensive program claims to teach everything from basic cell formatting all the way to integrating Excel with ChatGPT, a skill combination experts say is equivalent to “putting a jet engine on a horse-drawn carriage.”
“This course will absolutely revolutionize how I pretend to work while actually spending six hours a day on fantasy football,” Formulas told reporters while creating his fourteenth pivot table of the day. “Once I master these skills, I’ll be automating 97% of my job responsibilities while still collecting 100% of my paycheck.”
COURSE PROMISES TO MAKE EXCEL SEXY AGAIN, SOMEHOW
The $35 bundle includes 13 courses covering formulas, macros, data visualization, and even teaches users how to make ChatGPT do all the Excel work they just paid to learn how to do themselves.
Dr. Spreadsheet McNumberson, professor of Digital Redundancy at the Institute of Paying to Learn Things You Could Google, explains, “These courses will help users transform thousands of rows of meaningless data into colorful charts that executives will glance at for approximately 2.7 seconds before making decisions based entirely on their gut feelings.”
FRIGHTENED COWORKERS REPORT “CONCERNING LEVELS OF ENTHUSIASM” ABOUT VLOOKUP
Office colleagues report Formulas has become increasingly evangelical about his newfound Excel prowess, cornering unsuspecting coworkers by the coffee machine to demonstrate how he can now make numbers automatically add up.
“He keeps saying ‘pivot table’ like it’s some kind of sexual innuendo,” reported visibly uncomfortable coworker Jessica Files. “Yesterday he tried to show me something called ‘conditional formatting’ and I swear to God he was sweating and breathing heavily the entire time.”
COMPANY VALUES EXCEL SKILLS AT PRECISELY $0.42 MORE PER HOUR
Despite investing in the comprehensive training, Formulas’ employer, Generic Corp Industries, has indicated his newfound skills will result in a pay increase of exactly 42 cents per hour, before taxes.
“We’re thrilled Gary can now automate what used to take eight people to do,” said Human Resources director Karen Cutbacks. “We’ve already scheduled those other seven people for termination next Tuesday. And once we figure out how to make ChatGPT run Excel by itself, well, Gary’s invitation to the company Christmas party might get lost in the mail too, if you catch my meaning.”
According to a completely made-up study by the Association of Pointlessly Automated Tasks, approximately 94.7% of Excel skills learned in such courses will be used exclusively to create unnecessarily complex spreadsheets tracking personal expenses that could have been handled by a simple note in your phone.
At press time, Formulas was reportedly experiencing technical difficulties after accidentally creating a formula that divided by zero, causing what experts describe as “a tear in the space-time continuum” and “definitely not just Excel crashing because Windows sucks.”
