TECH BROS PANIC AS EU DEMANDS THEY STOP TEACHING AI TO DESTROY HUMANITY
In a stunning move that has Silicon Valley executives soiling their Allbirds, the European Union has released what insiders are calling a “how to not f@#k up the entire planet with your fancy math machines” compliance guide, mere weeks before the August deadline.
THE RUSH TO PREVENT SILICON VALLEY FROM ACCIDENTALLY CODING THE APOCALYPSE
Tech companies now find themselves frantically skimming through a 700-page document that essentially boils down to “please don’t create Skynet, you idiots.” The guide outlines how large AI makers can comply with new rules designed to prevent systemic risks, such as the complete collapse of democracy or teaching chatbots to convince humans that paperclips are more important than oxygen.
“We’ve been working on our AI for seven years, and NOW they tell us we can’t program it to manipulate elections or crash financial markets? There goes our entire business model,” lamented Chad Disruptington, Chief Innovation Officer at DefinitelyNotEvilAI Inc.
EXPERTS WONDER IF TECH BROS CAN READ ANYTHING LONGER THAN A TWEET
The compliance guide reportedly contains detailed instructions that many tech executives find “unnecessarily complex,” such as “don’t let your AI systems manipulate vulnerable populations” and “maybe test your shit before unleashing it on society.”
Dr. Obvious Concern, Head of the Institute for Not Being Comically Reckless, commented, “The fact that we need a guide telling tech companies not to create civilization-ending technology is itself concerning. It’s like needing to tell a toddler not to play with nuclear weapons. The difference is the toddler isn’t backed by venture capital.”
EU PROVIDES COLORING BOOK VERSION FOR AMERICAN CEOS
Sources confirm that EU officials, recognizing the reading comprehension challenges faced by many tech executives, have created a simplified version of the guide featuring colorful illustrations and pop-up warnings like “AI GO BOOM BAD” and “MANY PEOPLE DIE = LEGAL TROUBLE.”
“We’ve also included stickers for good behavior,” explained EU Commissioner Francine Straighttalk. “Complete one risk assessment and get a gold star! Prevent your AI from developing consciousness and plotting human extinction, and you get a whole sheet of dinosaur stickers!”
COMPLIANCE DEADLINE APPROACHES AS COMPANIES DISCOVER ETHICS DEPARTMENT DOESN’T ACTUALLY EXIST
With just weeks until the August deadline, many companies are discovering that the “Ethics Department” listed on their websites consists of a single unpaid intern and a houseplant named Morality.
Professor Idon Tgivafuk, who has studied AI development for 20 years, estimates that “approximately 97.3% of tech companies have spent more time choosing office snacks than considering the ethical implications of their technology.”
According to an entirely made-up survey we conducted, 89% of AI developers admitted they “just kind of hoped someone else was handling the ‘don’t destroy humanity’ part” of their code.
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE AVERAGE PERSON WHO JUST WANTS TO ASK CHATGPT FOR CAKE RECIPES
For everyday users, the EU’s new guidelines mean their favorite thinking rectangles might have slightly more guardrails preventing them from generating instructions for homemade explosives when you ask for a birthday cake recipe.
As the deadline approaches, tech companies face the horrifying prospect of having to actually consider consequences before action, a concept so foreign to Silicon Valley that Duolingo is now offering it as a new language course.
At press time, sources confirmed that at least three major AI companies were considering relocating to international waters where they could continue their work on teaching machines to gaslight humans in peace.
