EUROPE POURS BILLIONS INTO “AI REVOLUTION” AFTER DISCOVERING WHAT THE ‘I’ STANDS FOR
The European Union announced yesterday it will spend €1.3 billion to boost “AI adoption” after commission members finally figured out what the “I” in AI actually stands for. The revelation reportedly came during a 7-hour emergency meeting where officials repeatedly shouted “INTELLIGENCE!” while pointing at their heads.
ELDERLY BUREAUCRATS DISCOVER COMPUTERS EXIST
The funding, part of the EU’s DIGITAL programme, aims to dramatically improve Europe’s “digital competencies,” which currently rank somewhere between “your grandmother trying to FaceTime” and “a medieval monk encountering a light switch.” Officials hope the massive cash injection will finally help Europeans understand that the internet isn’t just “America’s fancy electricity.”
“We must embrace these thinking machines before they make us obsolete,” said Franz Hoverbelt, EU Commissioner for Pretending to Understand Technology. “Our studies show that approximately 73% of European citizens still believe AI stands for ‘Angry Italians’ and 12% think the cloud is something that requires an umbrella.”
VIRTUAL REALITY HEALTHCARE: BECAUSE REAL DOCTORS WEREN’T EXPENSIVE ENOUGH
A significant portion of the funding will go toward testing “immersive environments” for healthcare, allowing medical professionals to train in virtual settings where patients can’t sue for malpractice and the hand sanitizer never runs out.
“Imagine a world where your doctor can virtually assess your illness without the inconvenience of actually having to look at you,” explained Dr. Pixela Vaporware, head of the EU’s Never-Quite-Finished Digital Health Initiative. “It’s remarkable. Our simulations show virtual colonoscopies are 100% less sh!tty than the real thing.”
DIGITAL COMPETENCY SCORES REVEAL TROUBLING RESULTS
Internal documents leaked to AI Antics reveal the EU’s digital competency assessment included such challenging questions as “Can you turn a computer on without calling IT support?” and “If you receive an email from a Nigerian prince, do you a) immediately wire money, or b) forward it to your entire contact list first?” Results showed 48% of respondents selected “What’s an email?”
“The situation is f@#king dire,” admitted Claude Boredom, undersecretary for Digital Panic. “Last week I watched a member of parliament try to use a mouse by speaking into it like a microphone for twenty minutes. Another tried to download more RAM by printing it out and taping it to his monitor.”
EUROPE BETS BIG ON TECHNOLOGY IT DOESN’T UNDERSTAND
Critics argue the €1.3 billion would be better spent teaching Europeans basic computer skills, like how to create a password more complex than “password123” or how to recognize when they’re being catfished on Facebook by someone claiming to be their own grandson.
“What the hell do they even mean by ‘immersive environments’?” questioned tech analyst Vera Skeptical. “From what I can tell, they’re spending billions to create the digital equivalent of those medical posters where you put your face in the hole and pretend you’re a doctor.”
According to anonymous sources, at least €200 million has been earmarked for a project called “Make Computer Go Faster Button,” which several commissioners reportedly believe will revolutionize European productivity.
EXPERTS PREDICT SUCCESS RATE BETWEEN “SNOWBALL IN HELL” AND “ABSOLUTELY F@#KING HOPELESS”
Professor Cassandra Truthbomb from the Institute of Obvious Outcomes predicts the initiative will achieve approximately 2% of its stated goals before being abandoned in favor of an even more expensive program in 2025.
“Look, these are the same people who needed seventeen committees and forty-three subcommittees to decide on the shape of bananas,” Truthbomb explained. “By the time they finish the preliminary studies on what AI actually does, we’ll all be serving our silicon overlords anyway.”
As of press time, EU officials were reportedly struggling to access the funds after forgetting the password to their online banking portal for the sixth time this week.
