EU ANNOUNCES PLAN TO MAKE IMAGINARY MICROCHIPS THAT ONLY WORK IN DREAMS AND FAIRY TALES
The European Union unveiled its boldest initiative yet: manufacturing 20% of the world’s semiconductors by 2030 using nothing but wishful thinking, bureaucratic paperwork, and what experts describe as “pure, uncut delusion.”
AMBITIOUS GOALS, ZERO F@#KING CLUE
In what auditors are calling “essentially aspirational” and what normal humans are calling “bat-sh!t insane,” EU officials presented elaborate PowerPoint slides depicting Europe as a microchip powerhouse despite having approximately the same semiconductor manufacturing capacity as your average kitchen toaster.
“We’ve developed a foolproof three-step plan,” explained EU Technology Commissioner Fanta C. Delusion. “First, we announce ambitious targets. Second, we create seventeen committees to discuss those targets. Third, we act completely shocked when reality doesn’t bend to our will.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, THEN IMMEDIATELY WEIGH OUT
“What the EU is attempting would be like me announcing I’ll win next year’s Olympics despite never having left my couch,” said Professor Obvious McRealiston of the Institute for Not Lying To Yourself. “Except in this case, they’re competing against nations that have invested billions in infrastructure while the EU was busy regulating the curvature of bananas.”
The European Court of Auditors, in what sources describe as “the most polite way possible to say ‘these people are smoking crack,'” officially declared the strategy “deeply disconnected from reality,” which in auditor-speak translates roughly to “Holy motherf@#king sh!tballs, what are these people smoking?”
STATISTICAL BREAKDOWN
Analysis shows the EU has approximately a 0.0003% chance of meeting its semiconductor goals, slightly worse odds than finding intelligent life on Mars wearing “I ♥ Brussels” t-shirts. Meanwhile, 98.7% of global tech executives surveyed responded to the EU’s plan with either uncontrollable laughter or concerned offers to recommend good therapists.
EU DEFENSE OF STRATEGY RAISES MORE CONCERNS
When questioned about the feasibility of competing with Taiwan, South Korea, and the United States, EU spokesperson Denialina Truthshunner explained, “We’ve already invested hundreds of millions in creating committees that will eventually form working groups to develop preliminary frameworks for potential strategy discussions.”
She added, “Plus, we’ve printed really nice brochures.”
PLAN B ALREADY IN DEVELOPMENT
Sources within the Commission reveal that if the semiconductor strategy fails, the EU will pivot to its backup plan: becoming the world’s leading supplier of unicorn tears and perpetual motion machines by 2035.
“We’ve already drafted 372 pages of regulations for industries that don’t exist,” boasted one unnamed official. “No one does imaginary industrial policy better than us.”
In related news, 73% of European citizens surveyed couldn’t identify what a semiconductor is, with the most common guess being “something that conducts half of something, probably.”
At press time, officials were considering expediting their goals by simply reclassifying potato chips as “organic analog microprocessors,” thus instantly achieving market dominance.
