AI ENERGY CONSUMPTION TO MATCH ENTIRE NATION’S POWER NEEDS; EXPERTS SUGGEST FEEDING CHATBOTS ESPRESSO
SILICON VALLEY PROMISES TO SOLVE CLIMATE CRISIS BY CREATING BIGGER F@#KING CRISIS
In a development that has shocked absolutely no one with more than three functioning brain cells, energy demands from AI data centers are expected to quadruple by 2030, consuming roughly the same amount of electricity as the entire nation of Japan, according to a report that everyone will ignore anyway.
COMPUTERS GETTING ABSOLUTELY SH!TFACED ON ELECTRICITY
By the end of this decade, AI systems will be guzzling down power like a college freshman at their first frat party, requiring approximately 69 gigawatts of electricity just to tell you that your pizza is better with pineapple. Processing data, primarily for AI, will consume more electricity in the US than manufacturing steel, cement, chemicals and all other energy-intensive goods combined—because apparently teaching computers to write mediocre poetry is more important than building actual infrastructure.
RENEWABLE ENERGY FALLING BEHIND BECAUSE OF COURSE IT F@#KING IS
Despite tech billionaires’ constant circle-jerking about their commitment to sustainability, only about half of this skyrocketing energy demand is expected to be met by renewable sources. The rest will presumably come from burning whatever’s left of the Amazon rainforest and the tears of environmental scientists.
“This is actually great news for the planet,” claimed Dr. Blindly Optimistic, Chief Bullsh!t Officer at the Institute for Keeping Your Head in the Sand. “Sure, we’ll be using the equivalent energy of 87 million toasters running simultaneously just so computers can generate more cat memes, but think about all the innovation!”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, IMMEDIATELY CRUSHED BY WEIGHT OF IRONY
According to Professor Cassandra Ignored of the University of We’re All Screwed, “We’re literally creating technology that requires its own nation’s worth of electricity just so it can tell us how to be more energy efficient. It’s like buying a Hummer to drive to climate protests.”
The International Energy Agency’s report diplomatically stated that the threat to the climate was “overstated,” a conclusion they reached after carefully weighing all the campaign contributions and consulting with experts in the field of closing your eyes and humming loudly when presented with inconvenient facts.
TECH BROS PROPOSE SOLUTIONS THAT ARE ACTUALLY WORSE PROBLEMS
Industry leaders have proposed several innovative solutions to the energy crisis, including powering data centers with the hot air generated during their own press conferences, harnessing the kinetic energy of people throwing their phones in disgust, and simply ignoring the problem until it becomes someone else’s problem.
“Look, we’ve run the numbers,” said Chip Silicone, VP of Ethical Hand-Waving at MegaTech Industries. “And our advanced AI models predict with 98.7% certainty that we can continue this unsustainable growth path for exactly long enough for current executives to collect their bonuses and retire to climate-controlled bunkers in New Zealand.”
In related news, 97% of tech companies have updated their mission statements to include the phrase “sustainable AI” which their PR departments assure us means absolutely nothing but tests well with focus groups.
At press time, engineers were reportedly working on training AI models to feel existential dread about their own carbon footprint, creating what experts are calling “the world’s first artificially depressed intelligence.”
