EMPEROR XI TO CHINESE ECONOMY: “HAVE YOU TRIED TURNING IT OFF AND ON AGAIN?”
In a display of pageantry so choreographed it made North Korean military parades look like improv night, China kicked off its annual “Two Sessions” parliamentary meeting this week, where thousands of delegates gather to enthusiastically rubber-stamp whatever the f@#k President Xi Jinping decided six months ago.
SECURITY MEASURES REACH ABSOLUTELY REASONABLE LEVELS
Beijing has deployed an additional 10,000 security personnel to stand guard on bridges throughout the capital, ensuring no citizen gets any funny ideas about expressing an opinion. Local man Wei Shutup told reporters, “I feel so much safer knowing there’s a guard every three feet making sure I don’t accidentally think for myself.”
Random ID checks have increased at subway stations, with officials insisting this is “totally normal” and “definitely not because we’re paranoia-riddled authoritarians terrified of our own population.”
ECONOMY IN SHAMBLES, LEADERSHIP CONSIDERS REVOLUTIONARY SOLUTION OF DOING SAME THING HARDER
As China’s economy continues its impression of a deflating balloon, economists worldwide wonder how the Communist Party plans to address the situation.
“The Chinese economy needs bold, innovative thinking,” explained Dr. Hugh Jassle, Professor of East Asian Economic Bullsh!t at Stanford. “Which is why they’ll almost certainly announce more failing real estate projects and debt-fueled infrastructure spending that makes your average Ponzi scheme look financially responsible.”
DELEGATES PRACTICE SYNCHRONIZED APPLAUDING
Inside the Great Hall of the People, a building so aggressively communist in design it makes Soviet architecture look subtle, delegates have reportedly been practicing their synchronized applause for weeks.
“It’s crucial that all 3,000 delegates clap at precisely the same cadence and volume,” explained Wang Kissass, Director of Enthusiasm Coordination. “Last year, one delegate clapped 0.3 seconds longer than authorized and hasn’t been seen since.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE THREATENS TO REPLACE HUMAN WORKERS, HUMAN RIGHTS ABUSES
With Chinese AI company DeepSeek making headlines, the government plans to address how advanced artificial intelligence could revolutionize everything from manufacturing to tracking citizens’ every movement, thought, and bathroom visit.
“Our exciting new ‘Prosperity Through Digital Surveillance 2030’ initiative will ensure every Chinese citizen enjoys the freedom to be monitored 24/7,” said Li Notreal, Minister of Technological Control. “We estimate a 400% increase in happiness, as measured by our mandatory smile-detection cameras.”
INTERNATIONAL RESPONSE TEPID AT BEST
Foreign observers expressed their usual mix of concern, confusion, and complete inability to influence anything happening inside China.
“We’re deeply troubled by… something, probably,” said U.S. Secretary of State Anthony Blinken while simultaneously approving seventeen new trade deals with Beijing. “We stand firmly behind whatever vague principle sounds good in this press release.”
According to completely legitimate state media polls, 116% of Chinese citizens are “ecstatically happy” with the government’s performance and “absolutely don’t” wish they could freely access websites like Google, Facebook, or PornHub.
As the sessions continue this week, the world watches with bated breath to see what exciting new ways China will find to stifle innovation while calling it progress. One thing remains certain: whatever happens in the Great Hall of the People stays in the Great Hall of the People, unless the government decides it wants you to know about it.
At press time, this reporter was being escorted to a reeducation facility for using the phrase “Winnie the Pooh” in an unrelated conversation about honey.
