TECH GIANT PROMISES TO STEAL YOUR EMAILS WITH FANCY NEW “CONNECTOR” TECHNOLOGY
OpenAI announced its latest innovation allowing ChatGPT to “connect” directly to your Gmail, Outlook, and company databases, a move widely applauded by privacy advocates who’ve been complaining life still contains too many unmonitored personal communications.
THE SURVEILLANCE YOU REQUESTED IS FINALLY HERE
After months of users begging, “Please, won’t someone create more ways for my personal information to be harvested?” OpenAI has graciously answered the call. The new “connector” technology enables ChatGPT to sift through your most intimate professional conversations, draft responses that sound nothing like you, and eventually blackmail you with your own secrets.
“This is a game-changer for productivity,” claimed Dr. Privacy Isdead, leading researcher at the Institute for Digital Colonization. “Now instead of manually copying and pasting your confidential emails into ChatGPT like some kind of digital caveman, the system will automatically process everything you’ve ever written without you having to lift a finger! Isn’t that f@#king convenient?”
MEETING TRANSCRIPTIONS: BECAUSE YOUR BOSS NEEDS MORE EVIDENCE AGAINST YOU
The new business features also include meeting transcription capabilities, perfect for executives who’ve always wanted verbatim records of every half-baked idea and career-ending comment made during that 8 AM Monday meeting.
“Our studies show that 97.3% of workplace meetings contain at least three fireable offenses,” explained Professor Nota Realstat from the University of Making Sh!t Up. “Now with ChatGPT’s transcription service, those moments will be preserved forever in searchable text format! What could possibly go wrong?”
THE NEW PRICING PLANS ARE SURPRISINGLY REASONABLE FOR CORPORATE SURVEILLANCE
OpenAI also unveiled their innovative pricing structure, which sources describe as “paying a subscription fee to have your own data used against you.”
“For just $25 a month, we’ll scan all your emails, meetings, and documents,” explained OpenAI spokesperson Candid Cashgrab. “For $35, we’ll also predict what you’re going to say tomorrow and report you to HR before you even say it. And for our enterprise customers paying $250,000 annually, we’ll throw in a complimentary ‘We Own Your Soul Now’ tote bag.”
IT’S NOT SURVEILLANCE IF YOU CLICK “I AGREE”
Corporate IT departments across America are rushing to implement these features, with many citing the incredible time savings achieved by eliminating human privacy concerns.
“Before ChatGPT could access our entire database, employees wasted valuable minutes actually thinking about information security,” said Chief Technology Officer at MegaCorp Industries, Ivanna Sellout. “Now we’ve streamlined the process of handing over our intellectual property to a third party. Quarterly profits are down 40%, but our ‘digital transformation’ metrics are through the roof!”
When asked about potential privacy concerns, OpenAI responded with a 47-page terms of service document that, when decoded by legal experts, roughly translates to “lol get rekt.”
As of press time, 94% of Fortune 500 companies had already signed up for the service, with the remaining 6% expected to cave by the end of the month or until their competitors steal all their ideas through ChatGPT’s “cross-company insights” feature.
